Skip to content

Warning! If you do this stuff you may DIE!

January 15, 2015

dumbYesterday, I received an alert from the Weather Channel telling me there was a special weather alert for my area. There were some flurries in the area and with the super cold air, things might get slippery. Hey Weather Channel, you don’t say! It’s fucking January in Ohio following a considerable snowfall and more frigid than a nun at Sunday Mass. Things have been slippery for the last week because nobody around here knows how to operate a snowplow or the magic of sprinkling salt on shit. Thanks for the info. Here’s your sign…

This got me to thinking about stupid warnings. Have we really dumbed ourselves down so much that we need a warning that precipitation in January may lead to slippery conditions? The answer is yes, because you know this warning wouldn’t be in existence if not for some fucktard who sustained an injury doing some normal everyday thing and then sued the ass off of the entity they felt should take responsibility for their own personal failure as a human being.

Remember the McDonald’s hot coffee lawsuit? Lady orders hot coffee from McDonald’s. Spills it in her lap. Suffers burns. Result? She wins $2.86 million in her lawsuit and I haven’t had a hot cup of coffee from McDonald’s since 1994. Seriously, my last McLatté was lukewarm at best. I wouldn’t even take a bath in that shit. That my friends, was the beginning of the end times…

Let’s examine some of the best nominees of who should have won the Darwin Awards. Here we go!

The only reason for this warning was that someone put an actual human being in the washing machine and hit start.  I’m just wondering what cycle they chose.  Was it Bulky Items, Whitest Whites, Normal, Casual, Delicate, or Colors? Yeah, I already know I’m going to Hell, so bite me.

washer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had to include this one, because I’m a self proclaimed Grammar Nazi.  If you get a parking ticket, and this sign is in effect, I suggest you take a picture of it and bring it with you to court.  This is NOT legal advice.  Purely grammatical advice.  Wink wink.

Fine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, here’s one that doesn’t’ really require an explanation, right?

chainsaw

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Never once while I was cleaning the bathroom, did I feel like I should take a moment to freshen myself up.  But someone did…

fresh

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Microwaves are in every household.  They are great for so many things!  Except for drying Fido.

pets

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because you know some asshole tried drying their hair while asleep.  I often do this in the mornings while I”m getting ready for work.  However, I’m only half asleep due to insomnia or too much wine…

hair dryer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, I’m sure you’ve run into more stupid warnings than I have.  Share them here.  We can either prevent people  from doing stupid shit or we can make fun of people for doing stupid shit.  In other words, we can be Saints or Sinners.  I know which camp I fall in.  Which one do you fall in?

Let me know… Love, Helle xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A New Math Problem: Let’s 86 These 7 Things in ’15

December 22, 2014

The hair is fantastic...the pajama pants not so much.

The hair is fantastic…the pajama pants not so much.

It’s that time again, kiddos! With this year winding down, it’s time for my 3rd annual list of things I’d like to see go away in the New Year. I always have fun writing this one, and I hope you like reading it too. And if you really like me, you’ll tell your friends to stop doing these things and we’ll all be happier, which in turn will make this world a nicer place to live. It’s my little contribution to humanity . . .

  1. Hack. If you’ve spent any time with me, you know that I LOATHE hearing this word in reference to something that is supposed to make life easier. When did we start doing this? When I hear the word hack, I think of someone hacking into your bank account and stealing all your money. Or hacking your iCloud and stealing all your nude selfies. Hack = bad stuff. Tips that make life easier = good stuff. Let’s stop calling these awesome time saving tips “hacks.” It’s not even a pretty word; it has a negative connotation. There are eleventy-hundred words in the English language; can we pretty please with sugar on top find a better one to use?
  1. Driving under the speed limit. This is really becoming a huge problem for me, especially on the morning drive to work. There are a couple of places I have to travel to regularly that don’t allow for passing slow drivers. Since I started working on finding my Zen, I can deal with a little bit of dickhead driving, but geez Louise, if you can’t drive 35 MPH, then you probably shouldn’t be on the road. And even worse than not going the speed limit is not going the speed limit in the left hand lane. That lane is reserved for those of us who drive above the speed limit. In other words, if you can’t drive at least 55, get the hell over. Namaste, dickheads.
  1. Gwyneth Paltrow. So if you read me regularly you know how I feel about this little gem of a human being (if you don’t, click on read me). I can imagine it must be hard to grasp the concept of reality when you grew up with a diamond encrusted platinum spoon in your mouth, but for the love of God and all that’s good, can she just consciously uncouple herself from the human race? Her website is THE most pretentious thing on the Internet. Recipes containing sea urchins?! Monogrammed panties for $75?! That’s just cray. And she thinks it would be so much easier to just be a “regular” working mom. For that, she can bite my regular, non-monogrammed panty covered ass.
  1. Passive Aggression. Trust me, I get that we live in stressful times and sometimes you just feel angry and you need to release it. Totally get that! But do me a favor and own your angry when it happens. It’s a normal emotion and there’s nothing wrong with being angry. Personally, I’d rather deal with a screaming crazy person than a passive-aggressive cock monkey. Say what you mean, damn it! Don’t mask it in sarcasm, sullenness, and bitchy comments. Oh wait… I may need to rethink this one…
  1. Pajama pants in public. Yes they are comfy and cozy and if I didn’t have a job, I would wear them all day, every day. Lovelovelove some fleecy, funky pajama pants. The ones I’m wearing right now have black and white jail stripes and rubber duckies. But alas, I am in my home right now, enjoying an adult beverage while I write this, and not at court or doing shopping at The Wal-marts. If you wanna be comfy while doing those sorts of things in public, buy some friggin’ sweatpants, or at the very least, some pajama jeans.  On a somewhat related note, you shouldn’t wear yoga pants unless you are actually at yoga and/or only weigh a buck o’ five.
  1. Anything Kardashian related. WHY are these people famous and why isn’t their 15 minutes over yet? I mourn the fact that our society has fallen to the new low of only requiring someone have lots of money and a big ass to be famous. Matter of fact, you don’t even have to have the lots of money part to be famous anymore (i.e. Honey Boo Boo’s mom). I don’t give a rat’s ass about Kim or her big, dumb ass (and I’m not talking about Kanye), or the other sister who keeps having babies by the club-hopping loser. And what the hell is going on with Bruce Jenner? He’s scaring me. If he doesn’t stop the plastic surgery, he’s going to end up looking like Michael Jackson reincarnated.
  1. The Two Lane Drive Thru at McDonalds. This certainly is not working for me. I’ve talked about it at length, and it seems to be one of the most popular posts I’ve written, so I felt it deserved another mention. My Mickey D’s did finally put up some cones, but that hasn’t stopped the McAsshat shenanigans in the drive thru. Just the other day, someone cut the line (through the cones!) and then that same douche stick didn’t even have the common courtesy to let me out of the inside order lane into the I gotta pay line. NEVER pick the inside lane! It’s an invariable wasteland of hangry people. Just ask the manager at my McDonald’s, because I called her one day from the drive thru lane to tell her so. Note to self: I need to start packing my lunch.

I think I’ll end on lucky number 7 this year. But that doesn’t mean you can’t add to the list! Let’s hear what you want to abolish in 2015. In the meantime, I hope all your dreams and wishes come true in the New Year. Happy 2015, Loves.

xoxo~Helle

P.S. A friend of mine requested that I reiterate that we still hate the hashtag and YOLO. Because apparently, none of ya’s are listening to me on the things that needed to go away in 2014 and those things are still really bothering her. You’re welcome, Heineken.

Helle’s Helle-pful Hints for a Happy Holiday

December 16, 2014

christmas martiniAt some point today, I stumbled upon a list of tips to help one through the stressful holidays. I don’t know how much stock I’d put into this because I found it on CNN.com (don’t judge) and it was surrounded by another article that was asking if you should take a first date selfie (Um, NO!) and if it was ever OK to be naked in front of your kids (only when you fall in the shower and can’t get up).

Of course, you know I read the freaking article because I had a few minutes to spare and I know you’ll be shocked, but I have some things to add to said article. Not that you should listen to me because it’s apparent I’m no expert on anything other than how to screw up your life royally, but hey once you’ve screwed up your life royally, I can certainly tell you how to live it up to the max! So hang onto to your horses, here we go! (BTW, here’s the article for reference  http://www.cnn.com/2014/12/16/living/3-ways-to-emotionally-survive-the-holidays/index.html?hpt=hp_bn11 ).

CNN article says Manage Your Visit. Helle says: YES! Absolutely manage your visit. As a matter of fact, I think you should manage your visit to coincide with St. Patrick’s Day, and just stay home for Christmas. You’ve been running around like a crazy person for that last several weeks, treat yourself to a stress-free day that includes Bailey’s in your coffee, mimosas for brunch, and hot toddy’s around a fireplace in the evening. You’ve endured enough stress making sure everyone received the perfect present. Now’s the time to sit back, rest on your laurels, and pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

CNN article says Break Free of Roles. Helle says: Agreed! Your family thinks you’re the black sheep? No problem, roll up on Christmas morn like the Wolf of Wall Street. Ha! Just kidding. Who the fuck is this person? They apparently never took a psych class. If your family labels you the black sheep, that’s who you are until you die. Not that I know from personal experience or anything… Bottom line is, you can only change your perception of things. You can decide your husband’s mother is not your monster-in-law, but you can’t make her think you are the Queen of Sheba. That’s just the way shit rolls… always downhill… and you can’t fight gravity.

CNN article says Practice Appreciation. Helle says: Right on! Find those simple ways that when your kids are pissed that they didn’t get everything they wanted that they still love you for trying to make their Christmas a great one. That half-hearted thank-you means they really love you with all their heart and truly appreciate the effort you put forth to get that one thing they wanted more than anything on this earth, no matter how you scoured eleventy-hundred stores but still didn’t get every last thing on their wish list. I know as a parent, you’ll appreciate that and that will make Christmas less stressful.

In addition to those expert tips, I suggest the following:

  1. Have a keyword. Every time someone says the keyword, take a nip off the flask in your purse. This will make you like everyone a little more than you do sans nip of the flask.
  1. Quit worrying about the gift. You bought something you thought they’d like. If they don’t, just say to yourself, “I wanted you to have something you like, but I got you this. I love you.  Be happy.” (Or go fuck yourself).
  1. Is that why you aren’t going to wake up in the morning? One of my wise friends recently said this to me, and it’s been my mantra lately. Every time something doesn’t go right, I ask myself this question. If it doesn’t apply, I let shit roll off my back. I’ve found this is quite useful in traffic, but it applies to every aspect of life once you put some thought to it. Truthfully, I’ve been a different person since this was brought to my attention. It applies to the holidays, as well as every freaking day you put feet to the floor. Seriously, think about it. You’re welcome.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Festivus, Merry Ramadan, Yuletide Greetings for All… Have a Freaking Happy December Kiddos.

 

 

We’re All Going to Die from The Ebola!

October 16, 2014

Ebola-Virus-Word-Shapes

(Not Really. But it got your attention, right? Forgive me? Love you, you’re my favorite.)

 

A few years ago, I quit watching the news. Mostly because it’s so fucking depressing, I just couldn’t handle it anymore. They never talk about happy or nice stuff, and I figured I have enough sad stuff in my life, there’s no need to add to it. So, when a natural disaster is headed my way, I’m the last to know. It’s a chance I take. They say ignorance is bliss. And, I believe, they (whoever the hell THEY are) are right.

However, this last week my boss happened to be on vacay, and since I’m new and stuff, I don’t have vacay. So I may or may not have looked at cnn.com and Facebook (on my phone) during the day and saw that the whole world is decrying the fact that we’re all going to die from The Ebola.

This, my friends, is not a time to rely on fact. Let’s throw that to the wind! We’re all dying! From The Ebola. I’ve largely tried to ignore the hysteria on Facebook. Mostly because I do not have the energy to go about my daily life and, in addition, dispel the myths and calm the fears of my eleventy hundred friends. I’m trying to get my other friend Fleetwood Mac tix, and of all the people I know, she really deserves a good concert. Matter of fact, we all deserve a really good concert if we’re all going to DIE from The Ebola. But I guess that’s probably beside the point.

Anyhoo, unless Chris Brown is correct (and when has that EVER happened), there’s a huge conspiracy to wipe out half the population of the world. My personal opinion is that we all need to CALM the FUCK down. At this point in time, Taylor Swift has written more break-up songs than people in the U.S. have died from The Ebola.

Just yesterday my local news, in Podunk Ohio, reported that a person was being tested for The Ebola. Because she met someone from Texas who appeared to be sick. And now she felt sick. After the big report, it then came out that she tested negative for The Ebola. Shocking, I know. Because the media is about 90% of the problem right now. And now everyone in Podunk who feels the slightest bit under the weather probably has The Ebola. Because someone who visited Ohio, albeit three hours from here, had The Ebola. So now we’re all going to die.

Sweet Cheezus on a toasted Ritz Cracker. Right now, I don’t give a fuck about The Ebola. Call me nuts, but I just got a letter telling me my kids’ school was infested with bed bugs, fleas, and lice. I’m too busy burning my mattresses and spraying my kids with pesticide to worry about coming in contact with the BLOOD, URINE, FECES, or VOMIT of the two people who were confirmed to have The Ebola in the United States. Call me short sided, if you will. You won’t be the first.

In the meantime, I’m going back to relying on People Magazine and TMZ for my main sources of news. As much as I hate to admit it, I miss the days of updates on what Kim K’s ass is up to nowadays. Unless of course, she’s got a bad case of Ass Ebola. Then we’re all fucked.

Something Fishy is Going On

September 29, 2014

fish fryA few days ago, I saw another ad for a fish fry. And it got me thinking. Is the fish fry as popular everywhere else as it is here? How exactly did the whole fish fry craze begin? Was some guy just sitting around one day, wondering how to make some extra cash for his social club? And then he said, “well by gosh, let’s buy hundreds of pounds of fish and fry them up!”

Personally, I don’t see the allure of the fish fry. Or any food made in mass quantities, but that’s just me. It seems to me, the more of something you make; the less it tastes good. However, I’ve noticed that does not prevent people from coming in droves to the fish fry. Around here, mention the words fish fry, and you’ll see a line so long, you’d think they were handing out free money.

But they aren’t. They are serving up fish fried in mass quantities, soggy bread, baked beans from a can (without the needed doctoring of ketchup, mustard, Worchester sauce, and my secret spice mix), and store bought potato salad. Don’t get me wrong, I like fish – I was raised Catholic and ate it every Friday, whether I liked it or not. And maybe my aversion comes from the fact of that one time I overdid it at the all-you-can-eat Catfish buffet at The Catfish House in Clarksville, Tennessee, and puked my guts out for days. Or maybe it’s just the smell of fish and grease that does me in. It’s really not a pleasant smell. In any event, people seem to love the fish fry. It’s the go-to choice for groups doing fundraising. In my neck of the woods, you could be raising money to fund sweatshops in Ethiopia, and people would be lined up a mile long to buy fish.

I’m truly not trying to hurt anybody’s feels here either. I guess when you’re fundraising; you gotta go with what people dig. I get that. Apparently Southern Ohioans like the fish. Personally, I’d dig a delicious ice cream sundae, or even a hot dog with some sauce and cheese. It’s virtually impossible to fuck up a hot dog. Amirite?

I’d totally wait in line for a hot dog with some sauce and cheese with a side of ice cream sundae. Wouldn’t you? I mean I kinda do it on a regular basis at DQ, and they even give me some fries and a drink for five bucks…

The McFuneral: Coming Soon to a City Near You!

September 17, 2014

Do you want to be that guy?

Do you want to be that guy?

As I was perusing the Interwebs today, I ran across this little gem of a news story. I’m thinking I’ll now have to go back and revise my funeral blog to include that I do NOT want this occurring after my untimely demise.

Get this folks, there is now a funeral home with a drive-thru window. So in those times when you’re in a hurry and you have a pesky funeral to attend, you can simply pull up, a la McDonald’s style, and pay your last respects without ever leaving the comfort of your own car! You may want to hit the Mickey D’s drive-thru first and grab a McLatté, just in case there’s a line. Drive-thru funeral attendees get THREE whole minutes to stare at the dead corpse and pay their last respects. I’m not clear on if a family member has to stand by the casket in the drive-thru window or not, but you’d think that would only be appropriate. And apparently there has to be someone standing there letting you know it’s time to drive away. WTF?!

Now of course, the asshole genius who invented the drive-thru funeral window is defending his practice by saying it’s mainly for people in wheelchairs who can’t get out of a car to attend a funeral. Apparently, he’s not aware that we have all kinds of neat inventions that allow wheelchair-bound people, or the otherwise physically impaired, to get around and such. He also wants us to know that the viewing window is bulletproof. You know, just in case some wayward soul, such as a bitter ex-wife, should try to shoot the dead body. Just to make sure that son-of-a-bitch is dead and whatnot. There’s also a guest book you can sign and a little drop box for sympathy cards. How sweet.

What in the frick is this world coming to? Is nothing sacred anymore? Listen, if you can’t get out of your fucking car to come to my funeral, then please, by all means, stay at home.   My feelings won’t be hurt, mostly because I’ll be dead. And I’m not having an open casket, so there won’t be much to gawk at. Save yourself all the trouble and just spend the 49 cents to send a sympathy card. I mean the whole point of the matter of attending a funeral is to let the family members know you care and you’re sorry for their loss. Pulling up in a drive-thru window to look at a dead body when none of the family members are around is just the epitome of laziness, selfishness, and disrespect. And if you are truly unable to attend because of disability or sickness, I don’t think anyone is going to fault you for not being able to attend.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not sure I want to be a part of a society that devalues someone’s life to the point that when they’re gone, it’s acceptable to pull into a drive-thru to say good-bye. Call me old-fashioned, but it just seems so callous and cold.

Let’s Kick Everyone Out Who Doesn’t Speak English: We can start with the Americans!

August 7, 2014

Read Me!

Read Me!

My head about exploded today when I saw an article* from Salon.com reporting that Webster, Macmillan Dictionary, Cambridge Dictionary, and Google have all decided to cave to morons all over Earth and add to the definition of “literally” to include that it also can mean “figuratively.”

NO NO NO!!! And NO!!! You just can’t arbitrarily decide that because people don’t know how to use a word properly, that we should just amend the definition to include the misuse of the word. This is literary blasphemy. Literally.

I’m pretty sure this is just the thing Michael Stipe was talking about when he sang of the end of the world. And I’m not fine with it. At all. What are these knuckleheads thinking? Or maybe the better question is, ARE they thinking? I mean the Webster’s didn’t even add “ain’t” into their publication until 1993, and people have been using that since the beginning of time. I wasn’t really happy about that either, but at least that is its own stand-alone word and not a modification of a definition of a word.

Sure, it’s been somewhat of a thing lately for the reference books to be more accepting of slang terms, but I don’t really consider altering the definition of the word literally to include a misuse of the word as a slang term. Maybe I’m wrong. It’s been known to happen, albeit rarely.

After a bit of research, it seems as though Webster’s Third is where things all started going downhill. Not only did they add “ain’t” into the mix, they also pretty much made it so you could use “infer” and “imply” interchangeably. You know, because people just weren’t using them right.   I guess it’s the whole “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” mentality. Even the American Bar Association called them out on that, stating Webster’s was “devaluing the verbal currency of the English language.”

Listen up kids. When you say something like “I’m dying laughing!” don’t add literally to the end of it. That statement is a hyperbole. A hyperbole is “an exaggerated statement or claim not to be taken literally.” See what happened there? There’s no need to add “literally” to your statement because there is already a concept in the English language that lets us know you are not really dying – it’s understood that you are exaggerating for effect! We get that! Embrace the hyperbole and quit saying literally unless something REALLY happened the way you say it happened.

I remember flipping through the pages of Webster’s Unabridged when I was a kid. That thing was bigger than I was. There are so many words we have; yet we use so little of them. There is no need to take a perfectly good word and add a definition to it because people are too lazy to figure out the right word to use. And frankly, that’s what it all boils down to – we are too lazy to find the proper word to use. It makes my heart weep.

By the way, my heart is not literally weeping, because hearts can’t weep.  That, my friends, is a metaphor.

*In case you want to read about the stupidity:

http://www.salon.com/2013/08/22/according_to_the_dictionary_literally_now_also_means_figuratively_newscred/

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 931 other followers

%d bloggers like this: