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Drinkspiration: When Hypnosis Fails

April 24, 2012

Last weekend, I was at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop taking advantage of all the great humor writing prowess crawling around on the University of Dayton campus. Sometimes I think just being around other creative types is inspiring in and of itself. It’s like creativity can be gained through osmosis. Or maybe I’m just a creativity vampire sapping inspiration from other humorous, witty types by simply touching an elbow.

Anyhoo, I decided to attend this session on hypnotic recall. My theory was that maybe something super funny was lurking in the cavernous depths of my subconscious (scary!) just begging to be released through hypnosis. Plus, I’d never been hypnotized before (well not while I was sober) and curiosity got the better of me. We all know what they say about curiosity…good thing I’m not a cat.

So, there I am in a room of probably 75 people doing something intimate that makes me feel a bit vulnerable. For someone who deals with anxiety issues, it’s akin to being naked in front of a bunch of strangers. I don’t know about you, but I usually try to avoid being naked in front of strangers. Or even people I know; naked is just not a good look on me because I’ve had two babies at the same time. If you’re not a mom of twins, I’ll just tell you, it ruins your chances of ever having a flat tummy without the aid of a plastic surgeon.

I swear on the holy Guide to Making Martinis, I gave it my best shot. I was truly hopeful that it would result in the best thing I’ve ever written in my entire life. I tried really hard to feel the beautiful calming colors that were surrounding my body, supposedly lulling me into feeling like I was floating on a cloud. Maybe I shouldn’t have had that Starbucks before the session. That stuff is like legal crack. I mean if they really wanted me to feel relaxed, the session should have occurred in a candlelight open bar. Just sayin’.  As a side note, I’m thinking about pitching my idea for an Erma Bombeck session titled “Drink Your Way to Creativity – Finding Inspiration in the Bottom of a Bottle of Vodka.” Wait, where was I?

Oh yeah. The hypnosis. After 20 minutes of feeling the essence of my being and imagining beautiful soft colors all around me, I was anticipating an extremely humorous sure to land me a book deal fabulous idea to write about. But after the countdown from four to one, I had nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. And in the few minutes we were allotted to write about our fantabulous memory, since I had nothing, I took the opportunity to snap a picture of Craig Wilson (famous USA Today columnist), who was sitting two rows in front of me, so I could post it on my buddy’s Facebook page because I know she is a huge fan of his. Not to brag, but I’m a pretty good friend.

After the writing period, the lecturer opened the floor for questions. One lady talked about how she felt paralyzed during the whole thing and how frightening that was, which left me wondering if I was in the same session. I wasn’t numb, paralyzed, or frightened. As a matter of fact, I was kind of hungry and in desperate need of a Diet Coke.

Who knows, I thought I was open to the whole hypnosis thing. I own crystals and voodoo dolls and shit. And I had high hopes. I mean if this hypnosis thing could lead to fabulous writing that could someday pay my bills then sign me up! Plus, I was hoping that after the fabulous writing ideas, I could use it to lose 20 pounds.

The bad news is I didn’t gain anything fabulous to write about. The good news is I didn’t gain any weight either.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. gingeretta permalink
    May 3, 2012 2:11 pm

    Ha! Loved this piece! At the 2010 workshop, the hypnosis session was my favorite! Like you, I didn’t get any fabulous writing inspiration, but with five kids at home, I thoroughly enjoyed the 20 minutes of silence!

    • May 3, 2012 3:02 pm

      Thanks! Oh yes, I enjoyed the quiet too. I told Matt DeWald that I would have thought the workshop was great if they had no presenters — I was happy to have a break from my mom duties (I have 4 kids).

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