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Bowling for Soup was Right (High School Never Ends)

April 28, 2010

My Senior Pic

Hiding between bills and offers for free assessments from Miracle Ear and The Scooter Store, was a non-descript envelope.  It looked harmless enough and didn’t appear to be junk mail, so I opened it.  The festive paper inside declared it was time for my 20 year high school reunion!  Immediate horror set in.

Surely it hasn’t been 20 years since I graduated from high school.  I immediately went to the kitchen to find my trusty calculator and sure enough, it confirmed the fact.   It also told me I would be turning 39 this year (WHAT!).  Then my little electronic friend said I only had 118 days to lose 15 pounds and make some major accomplishments to amaze and astonish my former classmates.  I immediately threw the damned thing in the trash and headed to my secret chocolate stash.

With the comforting sounds of Judge Mathis in the background and a handful of Ghirardelli (wow spell check knew that one), I looked over the invitation.  The first event listed was a family picnic.  Crap!  Now I have to figure out how to turn my “Roseanne” family into a “Leave it to Beaver” family, in addition to losing weight and beefing up my résumé.  Then Judge Mathis caught my attention by admonishing some meth head for stealing her mother’s identity and opening up a cell phone account, running up the bill, and not paying for it.  OK, so my family’s not so bad after all, I thought, and thanks to good ol’ Judge Mathis, I crossed the total family makeover off the to-do list.

The next event was a little more worrisome – the adult evening party.  The to-do list grew right before my eyes.  I thought to myself, this is going to require a diet, a cute outfit, to die for shoes, a manicure, and depending on the shoes, a pedicure, hairstyling, possible spray tanning, and teeth whitening.  Without doubt, I would not be able to complete all of that in 118 days–no wait–117 days, because I was too depressed to remove myself from the couch that day.

Finally, I was able to gain a bit of relief when I noted the third event was a golf outing.  The only time I’ve ever held a golf club was to swat at a wayward bat that had made its way into my living room.  I was pretty sure this didn’t qualify me to stand on a golf course and try to hit objects considerably smaller than bats.  They would probably even pay me to stay far, far away from this event, I thought.

I stuck the RSVP card on the fridge, which was probably a bad idea since now it’s just an ominous reminder that my 20 year high school reunion is 86 days closer and I’m still 86 days away from accomplishing the 154 items on the pre-reunion to-do list.   The only other option I have is to throw caution to the wind, show up as myself, and hope that my former class mates will marvel over my cute pink chucks and latest concert T, all the while being amazed at my mastery of slack assery.

I’m screwed.


6 Comments leave one →
  1. April 28, 2010 8:22 pm

    Hahahaha….I haven’t go my letter yet! Yes, 20 years; remember when that was freakin’ old to us? Wish you didn’t put it all into days though because now I am getting anxiety attacks thinking about the 50 pounds I’ve gained since high school. This sucks, I better start running in the morning…but tonight it’s beer on the patio with fire in the grill (it is nice out).

    • April 29, 2010 12:46 am

      Well, I happen to know that anxiety, like her cousin misery, loves company. Haha! You should have gotten your letter by now…do you have contact info for Kelly Weaver?

  2. April 29, 2010 6:59 am

    Well, in the immortal words of my favorite slacker (maybe second favorite slacker now that I know you are one?!), Shaggy – ZOOOINKS!!!

    Seriously, 20 years? That’s scary. I think I may have moved overseas to avoid the stress of reliving the past at PVHS reunions! Send my love to the Class of ’90 if I can’t make it back to OH…

    • April 29, 2010 11:02 am

      Wow, I bumped Shaggy on your fav slacker list? I want to know what happened to the last 20 years. I still feel like I’m 22 (well, at least mentally). You are so smart being over seas — that’s the ultimate excuse. I may have to run out and get a passport!

  3. September 5, 2011 1:37 am

    I saw the heading of this blog post – Bowling for Soup was Right (High School Never Ends) Straight From Helle – while I was searching on the internet a few minutes ago. Would you mind if I put a link to on my site?

  4. September 12, 2011 8:16 am

    If you are indeed a real person and not a bot, then sure, go ahead! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by.

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