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Crash Test Dummy

May 12, 2010

Two weeks ago, my oldest son turned fifteen and a half.  In Ohio, that means he’s old enough to get his driver’s permit.  I have conveniently forgotten to pick up that little study booklet for him.  And it’s not because I’m being passive aggressive; it’s more because I haven’t forgotten what happened the first time I took my driving test.

I still remember how excited I was to take that driving test.  I was so prepared.  I studied all the material, passed the written exam with flying colors, and practiced the driving portion, including the dreaded maneuverability test, until I could do it with my eyes closed.  If you are not familiar with the maneuverability test, it goes something like this:  there are several red cones that you have to go through frontwards and backwards, without touching or knocking over any of the cones.  It’s far worse than ever trying to fit into a tight parallel parking space.  They even tell you at the examination post that you want to do this in the smallest vehicle known to mankind because that is the only way it can be passed.  If you show up in a Dually, they will just flunk you on the spot.

With this in mind, I showed up to the examination spot in a Dodge 600.  Not a huge car, so I thought I was safe.  I could have opted for my step father’s VW Bug, but it was stick and I thought it would be safer to go with the automatic.  Plus, the interior looked like it had seen better days and I wanted to impress my driving examiner.  It never hurts to look good, ya know.   My crotchety old examiner got in my car and gave me the whole yadda yadda yadda and told me to begin the test.

So, there we were in the armory parking lot getting ready to start my driving test.  I checked all my mirrors to make sure it’s cool to backup.  I guess this is the point I should tell you that I had a nasty accident in Junior High that left me blind in my left eye.  So even though I looked over my left shoulder (purely out of habit) to make sure nothing was over there, I really couldn’t see a damn thing out of that side of my head.  Consequently, when I backed out of the parking space, I heard a very shrill screeching sound followed by a loud crunch, which was then followed by the driving examiner yelling “STOP!” at the top of his lungs.

It was so very nice of the driving examiner to yell “Stop!” AFTER I had already hit the car next to me, as opposed to BEFORE I hit it.  This was nicely explained by the police officer who came to take down the report of the accident.  He told the driving examiner that he SHOULD have told me I was about to hit a car and then flunked me, as opposed to letting me HIT said car and then flunking me.  Either way, I walked away that day with a big F on my driving test and a story that would last a lifetime.  I was the first, and to this day, only person I’ve ever known to flunk their driving test for hitting a car during the test.  And driving examiner dude was really happy because he walked away with a ticket since he was my licensed driver.  It was a win-win situation for everyone.

My mother wouldn’t let me take the driving test for what seemed like an eternity later.  All of my friends were passing their driving tests, and I was still bumming rides from Brooke, Kelley, and Ashley because I was WAY over 17 before I could even take the test again.  And thankfully, I passed the 2nd time, without hitting any cars (I made sure to pull into a spot that wasn’t surrounded by other cars).  I also conveniently scheduled my appointment on the off day of my previous examiner.

Needless to say, I’m not all excited about my oldest being able to get his driver’s permit.  I’m definitely thinking that he should take it in his Dad’s car, and not my big, huge behemoth of a Navigator.  It’s so pretty and white, and I just got the grill fixed from where I hit that damned buzzard.

Regardless, I’m either going to have to break down and get an Rx for happy pills or stock up on liquor.  Oh, and find a job to pay for the insurance to cover a 16 year old boy.  So, if you have a hookup on a job or liquor, drop me a note, K?


6 Comments leave one →
  1. Dena permalink
    May 12, 2010 6:37 pm

    If it makes you feel better, I flunked the written part of the permit exam because I figured it wasn’t that hard and I didn’t want to bother. Mind you, this was coming from an A+ student on honor roll in the gifted/talented program. My mom was so ticked that she made me study with her and wait 6 months to take the written permit test. And she didn’t let me get my drivers license until I was 17. Ouch.

  2. Bob permalink
    May 22, 2010 11:03 pm

    I hve link with job if u really wana do it

  3. May 24, 2010 7:38 pm

    Haha, I’ve never heard of someone hitting a car before, but I have heard of going over the curb and such. I was so prepared to pass my exam and I flunked for not stopping completely. My mom let me drive home, and I cried the whole way!

    • May 24, 2010 8:41 pm

      True story! What a bummer reason to get flunked. Thanks for reading.

  4. May 29, 2010 2:54 pm

    I did fail the written test once by one question and the driving test once for coming to a rolling stop. I did however take my test in an itsy bitsy vw rabbit BUT we don’t have the cone test down here in NC. I was just commenting to wifey earlier that it’s a shame I don’t have a manual transmission car anymore b/c my oldest is 14 and I wanted to teach her (when she’s 15 of course) how to drive a stick b/c NO ONE teaches that anymore.

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