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Beggars are Choosy

May 28, 2010

Note: I’m calling today Flashback Friday.  I’m offering up a piece I wrote about four years ago for your reading pleasure.  I’m really not being a slack ass by doing this, I have an appointment to get my gray hair covered.  If you’re over 30, you know how important this is.  But, I plan on engaging in some drinking and shooting this weekend, so I’ll have fresh material for you after the weekend!  Have a safe and happy weekend (I’m even including a cocktail recipe for you to try!) and take a moment to remember those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.

Living in a small Midwestern town, there are things that just don’t happen here quite often.  However, I have noticed that it seems the things that plague big city folk are slowly starting to show up in these parts.

I was downtown last week to do some errands.  As we were finishing up, my youngest boy decided all of a sudden that since he is five, he’s a big boy and no longer has to sit in a car seat.  Now this would be all well and good if the little fart didn’t only weigh a measly 35 pounds – and no, I’m not starving him, twins are just sometimes on the small side.

Since, he was having a major meltdown right in the middle of downtown and the police station was just a mere few feet away, I had to be on my best behavior.  I tried calmly informing him that he did need to sit in the car seat and quietly threatened him with severe forms of punishment once we got home, or at least down the road and farther from the police station.

All of a sudden, I smelled smoke.  My first thought was that I’ve gone a blown a gasket and there was smoke coming out of my ears.  That’s how mad I was.  But then I heard a voice, and it wasn’t the voice that I usually hear in my head.  I turned around and there she was.

I heard about her before, but I had never actually seen her.  But, I knew instantly who she was.  It was the Crack Lady.  Now, I don’t know about you, and I don’t know what she looked like before she started doing crack, but seeing how she looks now has truly convinced me that crack is B-A-D stuff.  Even though it was fairly warm that day, she had on about fifty-seven layers of clothing.  She had a Don King hair-do.  I think drugs do that to hair though, because every drug head I’ve ever known has some crazy ass burnt straw looking hair.  And then, her teeth, or should I say lack thereof.  Apparently, crack is very hard on the teeth and actually causes them to fall out!  It’s a shame that people don’t value their teeth anymore.  I, on the other hand, would rather be able to eat, talk, and smile without scaring people away, than be high for a few hours.  I mean I can get a pretty good groove on with some adult beverages and not even have to worry one bit about loosing my teeth over it.

Well anyhow, I guess Crack Lady decided she’d have a better chance of scoring some of my money if she struck up a friendly conversation with me.  And of course I obliged her because there could have been some kind of weapon under one of those fifty-seven layers of clothing.

“What he cryin’ ‘bout,” she asked, pointing her lit cigarette right inside of my van at my wailing 5-year-old son.

“He doesn’t want to get in his car seat,” I told her while I tried to pry his little fingers off the seat belt.  Five year olds have freakish finger strength.

Just then, she spots my little girl.  “Hey, they’s twins?” she asks me.

“Yes, they are twins,” I reply, still struggling to jet Junior in his car seat.

“They identical?”

Now, I can’t tell you how many times someone has asked me this when encountering the twins and it never fails to make me want to vomit, because it makes me realize that there are human beings on this Earth stealing my oxygen and probably breeding more stupid human beings.  Whoever said there are no stupid questions was obviously not a parent of boy/girl twins.  First of all, I’m pretty sure the definition of “identical” is pretty self-explanatory.  Secondly, don’t they cover this in Health class in first grade?  Thirdly, even though I’m living in the middle of Appalachia, I don’t think they actually let you drop out of school until at least junior high around here.

Luckily, having encountered stupid people before, I had an answer for her.  “Yeah, they’re identical.  Except my little girl is missing her penis.”  Also, luckily for me, Crack Lady opened her mouth wide enough for Junior to see crack mouth and it scared him enough to make him recoil and release his grip from the seat belt.  Aha!  I seized the moment and had him snapped in and shut the van door before he knew what happened to him.

Sadly though, my response to her question didn’t phase her in the least.  Oh well, I figured, stupid people usually don’t get it, they just stare at me quizzically.  But not Crack Lady, she didn’t even miss a beat.

“Hey, doll, can you do me a favor?”  she asked.

“What’s that?” I wearily replied.

“Can you buy me a chicken sammich from Mac-Donald’s?”

Damn, I thought, she’s a choosy little beggar.  “Sorry, I don’t have any cash on me,” I told her.  Which is not a lie, I never have cash, so don’t be trying to mug me cause you ain’t getting anything.

“What about some change?  You got change for some pop?”  she continued.

“Nope, no change,” I said.  Just then, another unknowing soul came out of a store and saved me from the Crack Lady, because as soon as she sensed the fresh meat, she left me alone.

So, I got in the van and drove off, feeling kinda guilty.  I mean, if she hadn’t of come up to us and scared Junior half to death, I’d probably still be standing in the middle of downtown inching closer and closer to an orange jumpsuit and three squares a day.

At the very least, I probably owed her a chicken sammich.

Rx:  Liquid Crack:  I have never felt the need to try crack, and after seeing what crack does to the human body, I hope you don’t either.  If you simply cannot resist the urge to try crack, I suggest calling a plumber and looking at his.  If that’s not feasible, you can try this drink.  I’m pretty sure it won’t harm your teeth, but if you happen to drink too many and fall down and knock your teeth out, don’t come whining to me.  Pour equal parts of Jagermeister, cinnamon schnapps, and peppermint liqueur in a shot glass.  Consume at your own risk.


14 Comments leave one →
  1. May 28, 2010 4:22 pm

    Okay because I’m sitting here at my desk work cracking up louder then I’ve ever done before!! OMGawwwwwd!!!

    Thanks for reposting something that’s worth reading 100 more times!! 😀

  2. May 28, 2010 5:58 pm

    That is definitely a story that you can tell over and over again! Love it!

  3. May 28, 2010 7:47 pm

    Thanks for reading AND laughing! My daughter just puked all over the place at Blockbuster and I learned about vajazzling at the salon. So right there I think I’ve got 2 good blogs already for next week. And I’m drinking dinner, so I may even write them tonight!

  4. May 28, 2010 10:05 pm

    You crack me up. I had no idea where you were going but you got there and made me laugh all the way! Enjoy your cocktails!

    • May 29, 2010 12:09 pm

      I enjoyed my cocktails a little too much I think. But I wrote 2 blogs (I’m not ashamed to admit it, vodka is my muse). Should be interesting when I go back to do edits before positng them…haha! Thanks for reading.

  5. ThatGirl permalink
    May 29, 2010 4:32 am

    Isn’t it funny, but not really in a ha ha funny way that we all seem to have ‘the crack lady’ in our town. My kids are a bit older, so we use her for well, I’m just gonna say it. EXAMPLE.

    Do not do drugs little one, or else you will be hang-in with.. ‘the crack lady’.. Oh yeah, I went there.

    Your blog is awesome, puking and vajazzling.. anticipating next week should be good!!

    • May 29, 2010 12:07 pm

      Haha, good idea! I will have to use that if I run into her again while the kids are with me. The last time I saw her, it was outside of a bar. She wanted 75 cents, but I acted like I only spoke Spanish and couldn’t understand what she wanted. Thanks for reading!

  6. May 29, 2010 10:16 am

    “Yeah, they’re identical. Except my little girl is missing her___.” Now THAT made me laugh. I was on a color guard detail many years ago and some homeless dude approached us outside of Burger King. Now I guess you’d figure that Marines in Dress Blues would have money but we refused to give him money…especially since he said he was hungry. We did buy him a Value meal and upon us leaving the facility, we tried to give it to him BUT of course he refused b/c , of course, he hadn’t planned on using the money for food anyway. We loaded up in our gov van and drove off…food in our possession and no guilt.

    • May 29, 2010 12:06 pm

      Yeah, I’m sure she didn’t really want a chicken “sammich”, but I was raised Catholic, so everything makes me feel guilty. Thanks for reading!

  7. May 30, 2010 3:30 am

    A drinking a shooting weekend?

    • June 2, 2010 10:17 am

      What, they don’t do that in your neck of the woods? 😉

  8. Dionne Baldwin permalink
    May 31, 2010 11:55 pm

    K you had my laughing good on this one. Fortunately my seven year old didn’t stir hahaha. Stick with your current muse it works! Thanks for posting this one again.

  9. Hollie permalink
    June 3, 2010 3:18 pm

    she once asked me for “87 cents for a salisbury steak dinner”

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