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Buzz Off!

June 15, 2010

As I was driving home the other night, my husband reached over and grabbed my arm and said “Start blowing your horn!”  I was one step ahead of him; I had already seen my nemesis up ahead and was planning accordingly. I blew the horn to appease the old man, but I had already slowed way down, making sure I would not get intimate with the smelly creature that was eating a dead squirrel on the side of the road.

You see, last year, I had an unfortunate encounter with a buzzard.  I was minding my own business, driving home from dropping a child off at a friend’s house, when a buzzard met his untimely demise with my big ass grill.  I had noticed the flock of them picking apart the dead deer on the side of the road, but figured they would all depart before I got to that point in the road.  I was wrong.

Just as I realized said buzzard was not a get away artist, and got his upper body lodged into my grill, the most foulest smell encroached the inside of my SUV.  I imagine it’s the same smell you would encounter if you just stuck your head down into the dead deer’s bloated, rotten guts.  I looked behind me and two of my children were holding their hands over their mouths and gagging.  I yelled “Don’t you puke on my leather!” while trying to hold back my own urge to vomit over the nicely appointed interior of the front seats.

Luckily, for my husband, he was out of town at some redneck fest they call a Nascar race.  I called him and calmly told him I had hit a buzzard and of course, he didn’t believe me.  But knowing how big these particular birds are, he told me I should pull over and make sure there weren’t fluids leaking from the underneath of my SUV.  And being the good wife, I followed these instructions.  Still on the phone with him, I pulled over and started to exit the truck.  As soon as I got to the front end, I saw a big ass wing flapping all crazy like.  I screamed.  And then told my husband the buzzard was stuck in the grill, alive.  He wished me the best of luck and told me he had a Nascar race to attend.

I drove down the road a bit, big ass bird stuck in the grill, flapping its wings like the end was near.  I couldn’t stand it anymore and stopped in the next town’s gas station.  That’s when these two guys in a pimped out Maxima stopped dead in their tracks on Route 50, backed up and pulled into the parking lot of the closed gas station in which I was parked.  “There’s a bird stuck in yo grill,” he said, through his partially cracked, tinted window.  “Yes, I noticed that,” I said.

“Do you want to try to use that broom to get it out?” he asked, pointing to the broom resting against the building.

“No, I do not want to try that.  But you if feel like trying that, please be my guest,” I replied.

Without missing a beat, the guy in the pimped out Maxima said, “Hey, do you know how to get to Lucasville from here?”

Now, in my neck of the woods, Lucasville is synonymous with prison.  Hard core, you’ve done some bad shit and never leaving kind of prison.  Realizing that he is not helping me get the big ass, not dead, flapping its wings like there’s tomorrow buzzard out of my grill, I solemnly looked at him and pointed due west.  “Keep going that way.  You’ll run right into it.”

Thing is, Lucasville was due south of where we were at the time.  But, my feeling was they deserved wrong directions after not helping a damsel in distress.  And I don’t feel a bit bad about the whole thing.  I mean I had a live buzzard stuck in my grill, and he was only interested in going to visit his murderous/rapist/armed robber buddy in the clink.

I think we’re even.


12 Comments leave one →
  1. June 15, 2010 9:39 am

    Depending on your view of the afterlife (and equally dependent on your conduct this go-round, perhaps), there is the chance you may run into an abundance of buzzards and maximum-security facility alumni once you join the choir invisible; you may want to step lightly.

  2. Dionne Baldwin permalink
    June 15, 2010 1:00 pm

    Oh yeah you’re even alright! I can’t believe they didn’t help you. I’ve never seen a buzzard in person but I am sure they’re a darn site bigger than a robin or crow! And the smell! EEK! Of course you had me rolling once again and I almost felt bad for laughing until I realized you were the one with the humorous way of retelling your stories! Thank you for sharing. 😀

    • June 16, 2010 8:40 am

      These things are HUGE. I have a very big SUV, and that thing covered my entire grill. It sure wasn’t funny at the time it was all happening, but I can laugh about it now. Plus, it makes an excellent story for parties, as I’ve yet to run into anyone else who’s ever hit one. LOL Thanks for reading!

  3. June 15, 2010 3:54 pm

    Great story. How did you finally get the buzzard out? And the smell?

    • June 16, 2010 8:38 am

      I kept driving and it must have fell out somewhere between the gas station and home. Surprisingly, the smell didn’t last that long, and plus it had to go into the shop to be repaired, so it was there for a week. Almost $1,000 in damages, if you can believe it.

  4. June 15, 2010 4:38 pm

    Ew. Did you ever get the buzzard off the grill?

    • June 16, 2010 8:36 am

      Yeah, it fell out somewhere between that gas station and home.

  5. June 19, 2010 9:43 am

    I was driving down an old country highway in the middle of nowhere, one year. Up ahead I see what looked like two small brown bumps in the road and not skipping a beat, kept on driving. Unfortunately, both “bumps” were evenly spaced and I hit both with my front two tires. As I did so, I could hear the hollowed thump and feel the car go over these. As I kept going, in the rearview mirror, I looked back and realized that those “bumps” were two turtles. Since then, I’ve actually stopped the car and pulled over when I’ve seen a turtle in the road and actually picked them up and put them on the other side…damn Karma.

  6. sayitinasong permalink
    June 19, 2010 5:05 pm

    OK- this is how my mind works. When you said grill- I went barbeque. I am envisioning this big old bird stuck in your barbeque. The car bit confused me, as in how do you know the bird is stuck in your bbq if you are out and about driving… anyways, I have to get out more. My life cannot revolve this much around food…lol!

  7. June 26, 2010 1:07 am

    Thanks for sharing.

  8. July 8, 2010 1:10 am

    Amazing post.

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