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The Slack Ass Diet

August 13, 2010

So, I was watching TV the other day and I saw this commercial for the Special K diet. Normally, I’m not much into diets. I can’t, for the life of me, limit myself to ridiculous things like no carbs or dairy. It’s just not right, no wait, it’s blasphemous for an Appalachian girl to not eat macaroni and cheese or ice cream. And let’s just face it; low carb beer is a total rip-off when you consider the cost versus the alcohol content. You might as well drink water and pretend like you’re buzzed, because buzzed is not happening with low carb beer. On the other hand, it does come in handy for a beer-like experience while doing things where you have to maintain sobriety (i.e., shooting guns or a night at the ballpark).

Anyways, I thought this is finally a diet that maybe I can stick with. All you have to do is eat Special K cereal twice a day, and then eat whatever you want for dinner. Oh, I think you are supposed to maybe eat some Special K snacks or beverages, too, but since my normal breakfast is a pot of coffee, I figured I can just go with the 2 bowls of cereal and my snack could be some cocktails in the evening.

Well, this was all well and good for the first few days. Then I decided I don’t really like Special K cereal. Even with strawberries, it’s kind of bland.  It’s like eating cardboard with construction paper shaped fruit. No offense to the peeps at Kellogg’s, but every day I hear how short life is and how you should enjoy every minute of it, and as I approach 40 I really take this to heart.  And this week, I was not enjoying my cardboard breakfast or lunch; as a matter of fact, the whole time I pretty much thought about how I’d rather be eating the kids’ Cocoa Puffs.

This led me to wonder if it really mattered what cereal I ate twice a day, as long as it was cereal. I figured maybe I can eat two bowls of Cocoa Puffs a day, because after all, I have heard that chocolate is good for your heart. Then I got to thinking that you pour milk on the cereal, so maybe I should just eat two bowls of low-fat chocolate frozen yogurt a day, then opt for a healthy dinner.

Then, I was reminded of last Saturday when my BFF brought me liquor so I wouldn’t have to drag the kids clear down to the east end of town to buy booze. She also brought this lovely concoction of chocolate infused vodka. So, then I reasoned that breakfast and lunch cocktails with chocolate flavored vodka would practically be just like eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, as long as I mixed it with low-fat milk, instead of Sunkist pop.

Yeah, it was silly of me to think I could actually stick to a diet. I’m beginning to think it was a fiber induced hallucination, and my mind will clear up once I wash all that out with my regular morning pot of coffee and vanilla flavored Coffee-Mate.

But all was not lost during this little experiment; I learned I’m REALLY good at rationalizing.


9 Comments leave one →
  1. August 13, 2010 12:56 pm

    I love your rationalization skills. You and I come from the same world. lol. I tried that diet for 2 days. Then I realized that I would likely gain weight. I love Special K but seriously – how much of it can you eat??? The “eat whatever you want for dinner” theory just went to hell. Dessert is part of dinner so the bannana split was justified. You need drinks to wash down dinner so the 5 glasses of wine and the margaritas during girls night out were necessary too.

  2. August 13, 2010 1:36 pm

    You crack me up! I have to agree about the Special K though. The last time I tried to eat it I ended up topping it with a handful of S’mores Goldfish crackers, chocolate chips and shredded coconut and POOF! The cereal was fully concealed and transformed! 😀

    I’d rather save calories by skipping dinner and having some wine…gotta have those antioxidants!

  3. August 13, 2010 2:08 pm

    I haven’t met a “diet” I could stick to unless there was money on the line. Then I’ll just skip eating and have the wine/cocktails until I lose enough weight to win the money and buy myself some family-size Stouffer’s mac n’ cheese meals.

  4. August 13, 2010 6:15 pm

    That’s not rationalization! It’s pure unassailable logic!

  5. August 16, 2010 9:51 am

    I just wanted to say that you make me laugh. Again. Cheers!

  6. August 16, 2010 10:21 am

    If you don’t have a laundry list of actions to rationalize…Jack, you dead.

  7. August 23, 2010 12:19 pm

    Yea diets usually don’t work for me. I am in love with carbs, and I don’t want to eat any less! My only option is to hit the gym. But I love your humility and honesty 🙂

  8. August 25, 2010 2:04 pm

    I like the way you rationalize. I just got on the scale today – not happy. I gained not 20 but 26 lbs – no wonder I can’t fit into my clothes!

  9. December 3, 2010 10:34 am

    I’m grateful for you because of this good written content. You definitely did make my day :

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