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One Venti Craptastic Oinkalicious, Please

September 23, 2010

In addition to being addicted to really bad TV, I’m also addicted to sugar and coffee. So, when I found myself with some time to kill, I decided to go to the Dairy Queen for a sugary, coffee flavored frozen beverage. It wasn’t until I pulled up to the drive thru that I remembered how stupid their name was for such a beverage. So I quickly uttered that I wanted a small Moo-Latte, and started to pull forward.

But, no, the DQ girl said, “Huh, can you repeat that?” So I did. But alas, she still didn’t hear me. So on try number three, I yelled loudly, “ONE SMALL CHOCOLATEY CRUNCH MOOOOO-LATTE PLEASE!” I think it was that precise moment that I decided I would never again grace the DQ drive thru with my presence. It’s bad enough that this small drink is nearly $4, but to make me feel like an idiot when ordering it is just crossing a line.

This got me to thinking about other products I’ve decided I’m no longer ordering out loud. Take for example, the Double Down sandwich at Kentucky Friend Chicken. It sounds more like a porn movie involving twins engaging in acts that are illegal in 18 states instead of a sandwich. And the damn sandwich has no freaking bread! I don’t know about you, but where I come from, bread is an essential part of the sandwich. I’m even more convinced that this breadless wonder was named after a porn movie after seeing an article on KFC’s search for “AmbASSadors” to promote this sandwich by using young chicks with hot asses wearing sweats with “Double Down” emblazoned on the backside.*

I also refuse to order the Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n Fruity breakfast at IHOP. I don’t think I can eat something that sounds like a scent you’d find on the shelves of Bath and Body Works. I also hear that Denny’s is a corny product name offender with their Moons over My Hammy dish. Maybe these popular breakfast-all-day joints are relying on most of their customers being stoned and therefore more appreciative of the wacky breakfast names.

Then there’s the sheer pretentiousness of the Starbucks lineup. If the Starbucks people wanted to mess with their customers, all they would have to do is switch around the order of their sizes. Admit it, you’d have no clue the Venti is a large if it wasn’t at the end of the lineup. Try guessing which is the large when your choices are Tall, Grande, and Venti. If you live in Appalachia, like me, my bet is you’d go with the Tall.

And speaking of sizes, since when did McDonalds decide to change all of the rules in that department? The other day I ordered a medium and ended up with what used to be the large. So now, their small is medium, the medium is a large, and the large is a hog trough. I’d really hate to see what the super size is now and what kind of vehicle you’d need to haul it away.

I’m left to wonder what in the hell are the marketing peeps at some of these places thinking? Are they all sitting around getting buzzed on venti Espresso Macchiatos and eating sandwiches without bread and exclaiming things like “Hey let’s really screw with our customers and make them feel like dorks while they order our overpriced crappy food!”

So, tell me what are some of the ridiculously named things you’ve ordered?



11 Comments leave one →
  1. September 23, 2010 8:27 am

    That was fricking hilarious and if I’d been drinking the drink I won’t order anymore — the 2 Piece Bikini Smoothie from Planet Smoothie — I would’ve snorted it out all over myself. So I’m glad I gave it up. Thanks for the laugh.

    • September 24, 2010 8:28 am

      Haha, I don’t think I’d order that one, either! Thanks for reading. 🙂

  2. September 23, 2010 12:12 pm

    When I was reading about the MooLatte (who comes up with that crap??) the first thing that popped into my head was the Rooty Tooty Fresh n’ Fruity. Geez, people it’s not going to be a huge draw to make stupid names for menu items.

    As for me, I haven’t ordered anything ridiculous because I see servers asking people to repeat the names as if they are deaf and then go into the “back” where sound carries to make fun. I point and glare. That indicates my lack of willingness to be the butt of someones joke!

    What I hate even more is when a coffee shop wants to go all rebel on us and switch the sizes that Starbucks has pioneered. It’s bad enough that the general public has had to break out their de-coders to figure out what size to ask for but go to another coffee chain or independent shop and you’re asking to be rudely corrected.

    • September 24, 2010 8:32 am

      Lucky for me, the only Starbucks we have here is inside a grocery store that I don’t frequent. I swear I think a prereq to become a marketing person is to be an avid marijuana user. Haha!

  3. September 23, 2010 11:13 pm

    I’m glad I wasn’t eating anything while reading this, Michelle. I would have choked. Very, very funny!

    • September 24, 2010 8:33 am

      I am too, Jerry. I’d hate to be the accomplice to your demise. Thanks for reading!

  4. sayitinasong permalink
    October 17, 2010 6:45 am

    Spotted Dick. No, seriouslty- it’s a dessert here in the UK. (Spongy cake with custard).

    • October 18, 2010 12:22 pm

      Ewww…I wouldn’t be ordering that either!!

  5. October 18, 2010 3:32 pm

    yes….the double down is an abomination against all real sandwiches as Kim Jong Ill is to short insane dictators. wonderful piece of writing Helle!

    the shaggy dog is a sushi roll i love…but it doesn’t do much to dispell rumors of the Chinese buffets affinity for pet meat.

  6. November 2, 2010 10:36 am

    Sorry I missed this one. It’s been a while since you wrote! Miss your stuff. HILARIOUS! I had no idea KFC did a double down–that’s just wrong. 😉

  7. December 3, 2010 11:10 pm

    Good!!! Bookmarked this page that has this amazing content. Will come back to see if there are any updates. You, the author, are a master. Thanks

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