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Please Squeeze the Charmin!

November 22, 2010

Apparently, I’m the only one in my household that can do a few certain things. After the last week I’ve discovered I am the only one who can turn off a light, turn off a faucet, empty a full trash can, and change the empty roll of toilet paper.

I’m not quite sure why these things escape everyone else who lives around me. It’s not like they aren’t apparent. Our house sits on a quiet country road, yet it’s lit up like the Griswold’s house at Christmas time year round. I’m surprised that AEP doesn’t have to do a brown out because of all of the electrical things plugged into our many outlets.

Last month I had a heart attack when I opened our water bill. Normally it hovers around the $30 mark. But last month it was nearly $50. So I investigated and found that my children have no idea how to turn a faucet off. They are well versed in turning them on and you would think that turning off would be just the opposite. I guess I have “special” kids. This week alone I have walked into the bathroom at least eleventy times to find the faucet leaking a tiny, but steady, flow.

You know, I’m not a hard person to please. I have very few things that I need done. Matter of fact, I could even limit it to ten things. So in homage to my friend Bruce Cameron, creator of 10 Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter, I have come up with 10 simple rules for living with Helle. Please take note of them, because I am currently accepting applications for potential living partners.

The first couple of rules for living with Helle are twofold – both occur in the bathroom. One, if you use the last of the Charmin, for fuck’s sake, put on a new roll. They are in the closet conveniently located next to the toilet, and luckily for you, I am a Sam’s Club member so there are eleventy rolls you can pick from. I don’t even care if you open a new pack, just put a new roll on for the love of Pete. Secondly, if you are of the male persuasion and for some reason decided it’s in your best interest to stand during the deed, if you put the seat down when you’re done, I’ll be forever in your debt. Furthermore, if you put the lid down so that I don’t have to sit on a wet seat after my 100 pound lap dog uses the toilet as an evening cocktail, then I’ll promote you to my new BFF.

After the bathroom business, it’s all cake. If you use a faucet, turn it off. Sounds simple enough, but apparently this is a skill that eludes my children. Should you find yourself trying to stuff something in the trash can, and can’t because it’s too full, change the bag. Again, simple enough, but unless I put a post-it note on the trash can with those instructions, it doesn’t happen. Trash will be piling on the floor around the trash can and everyone is oblivious to it but me. The same follows for clothing and or dishes. It doesn’t belong on the floor immediately surrounding you. It goes in the hamper or the sink, respectively.

Last but not least, if you’re living the only other rule you need to know is Helle is always right. This is probably the most important rule. If you follow this rule, you won’t have to worry about the toilet seat, toilet paper, trash, dishes, clothing, etc. If you do exactly what I say, we will all be happy.

The end.


13 Comments leave one →
  1. Brian H permalink
    November 22, 2010 11:30 am

    these seem so simple to the obvious!!!!

    love it!!!!

  2. November 22, 2010 11:44 am

    I’m clapping with happy tears rolling down my cheeks right now. I’m going to print this and hand out a copy to each and every person that lives with me. We’ll read it together, but for the kids sake I will be the only one allowed to read the phrase “for fuck’s sake” and I will place appropriate EMPHASIS on that word!!!

    Let me guess, when you go on a rant about these items, your family looks at you as if to say…”Now what’s HER problem?? Is she just mad at something else? What’s the big deal?”

    Replacing an empty roll of toilet paper would be the equivalent to giving me a bouquet of flowers at this point. Turning off a faucet would be like buying me a box of chocolate. I hope they think of me before my birthday so I can spend it in contentment.

    By the way the part about your 100 pound lap dog’s evening cocktail really cracked me up.

    • November 22, 2010 7:26 pm

      Haha! I hope it works for you. I told the kids I wanted a clean living room for my birthday, and they responded that they would rather buy me something. 🙂 And sometimes the dog’s evening cocktail is dirty…they can’t flush either. Yuck!

  3. November 22, 2010 1:18 pm

    Oh I know just how you feel. I have the same when I am at home. I also spend my days at work training my class of 3 years olds to do all those little things. They seem to have the hang of it already…. The future is looking bright!

    • November 22, 2010 7:24 pm

      Well bless your heart, Jamie! Thanks for reading and training youguns to change the TP! 🙂

  4. Bidie permalink
    November 22, 2010 9:49 pm

    It’s surprising to know that it takes so little to please us ladies…yet they still can’t get it right. *sigh

  5. November 24, 2010 12:49 pm

    Good day I was fortunate to find your subject in digg
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  6. December 5, 2010 9:23 am

    my wifey has a few quirky rules too…and yes if you are the last to use the Charmin’ you are supposed to put a new roll on BUT with one wifey rule…the roll has to have the paper rolling from the outward and not inward part…and apparantly in my house…only “males” are required to take the trash out…even if daddy is at work all day and the trash can becomes full…the 3 women in the house will proceed to stuff it a foot past the brim and not take it out of the container and put an empty one in…it will stay this way until I get home and with “stuff” spilling out and the draw strings straining and sometimes breaking, I have to take it to the outdoor trash can.

  7. November 22, 2010 7:29 pm

    I’m techo-challenged, so I’ll say thanks?! 🙂


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