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Diatribe of a Disgruntled Wal-Mart Shopper

September 1, 2011

I imagine in most cities the Wal-Mart greeter is a kind old soul who is friendly and actually greets you with a smile and cheery “Hello, welcome to Wal-mart!” In my town, this is not the case. Our greeter is a grouchy, old woman who moves slower than molasses and acts like I am the greatest burden in her four hour shift. Am I wrong to think the Wal-Mart greeter should greet me and make me feel good about coming to Wal-mart? She doesn’t. She makes me wonder why in the hell I go to Wal-Mart.

I don’t really require any special treatment from the places I frequent but I do prefer I not be made to feel like a criminal upon leaving a place where I just dropped $350. Trust me, after spending two hours at Wal-Mart at the beginning of the month the last thing I want to do is anything that will require me to stay longer. This includes being stopped and having the contents of my cart compared with my receipt to make sure I really paid for the $4 pack of Diet Coke on the bottom of my cart while my popsicles melt.

This got me to thinking about the whole Wal-Mart greeter thing. I mean if I really wanted to steal a 12-pack of Diet Coke, I’m pretty sure I could outrun the 80 year old Wal-Mart greeter. Hell, I could probably out walk her. No wonder people are walking out of there with big screen TV’s and computers – they are too busy harassing those of us who pay for shit before leaving. Maybe if they opened more registers, less people would leave without paying for stuff.

And let’s face it; is it really necessary to get that little pink sticker on your returns before getting through the door? I mean is Wal-Mart having a problem with people bringing stuff they didn’t pay for INTO the store?

Personally, I would be far happier if nobody “greeted” me as opposed to being made to feel like a criminal. But, if these are big problems for Wal-Mart, then I suggest some changes to the greeter position. Instead of hiring retirees who are most likely lacking in sight and mobility, they should hire bouncers. Big, burly dudes who can scare the bejeebus out of you with just a look would be far more deterring to potential Diet Coke and TV thieves. And you can just think twice about bringing back something you didn’t pay for, because instead of a little pink sticker, the bouncer would grab you by the back of the shirt and throw you into the parking lot right on your thieving ass. And maybe punch you in the throat for good measure.

Yeah, that would make me feel a lot better about shopping at Wal-Mart.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. September 2, 2011 6:04 am

    Well, at least she’s not working in airport security.

  2. September 3, 2011 10:33 am

    i’m with you. what happened to the nice old ladies and elder states men types? i always thought all/most old people love kids, puppies, volunteering, and bake sales. that’s not the case, most old people i’ve met like kids that aren’t around, puppies on tv bc they can turn the channel, volunteering their opinion, and throwing a pie in someone’s face.

  3. September 12, 2011 8:43 am

    As a former Walmart greeter (for a day), I don’t qualify as either a little old lady or a big burly bouncer, but I do think this is hilarious. Attention, Walmart shoppers: Read this post!

  4. September 12, 2011 8:47 am

    haha Jerry, thanks!! 🙂

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