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Almost Frosted by the Flake

April 26, 2012

Sometimes I wonder if the stuff that happens to me happens to everyone else or if I’m just a freak magnet. Or maybe I just spend far too much time at The Walmarts (or Kroger) – because that’s where most of my freak encounters occur. What in the world would possess someone to tell a complete stranger about their personal health issues? Especially if your special health issue occurs below the belt. Seriously, I don’t want to hear about it. It’s also not a good idea to tell me anything you’ve done that’s illegal just in case I get called to be a witness in court because I’m a horrible liar.

Over the years, I’ve had cashiers tell me about their female troubles (and I’m not talking about trouble with men), complain about other customers or their job, or their own personal preferences/dislikes about my purchases. I’ve also had complete strangers tell me about their health issues, ask me where stuff is (WTF, do I LOOK like I work here?), and tell me long convoluted stories about their lives. All of which makes my eye twitch uncontrollably as I search for the nearest exit while praying to the Patron Saint of Cell Phones that someone will call me at that very minute.

Probably the freakiest thing that has ever happened to me happened one Tuesday evening at Kroger. Earlier that day, I had lunch with a friend who worked at the local newspaper and we talked about me writing some stuff and her putting it in the paper. I was going to be a real live published writer and I was elated! So I know I was all aglow with euphoria and thus especially attractive to weirdos.

It all started in the condiment aisle. I saw this guy looking at me like he’d just found lost treasure. I just figured it was someone who recognized me from high school because I am horrible at recognizing people from those days. But then he approached me and told me how beautiful I was and that I had the most amazing eyes. It was flattering and I politely smiled and thanked him and moved on over to the cereal aisle.

He followed me. And proceeded to tell me about how I looked EXACTLY like his former girlfriend. OK, I thought, I guess that’s remotely possible. Then noticing my wedding ring, he asked me if I was married. I replied affirmatively. And then he asked me if that mattered to me. Holy Mother of God. He then proceeded to tell me about how marriage was just made up in the Bible times to keep women in line and ensure they remained property of their men. And that is when I checked out by quickly moving to the cracker aisle. No pun intended.

But wouldn’t you know the creep caught up with me again and it was right there in the frozen foods section. As he stood in front of my cart, he wanted to know if I liked Deepak Chopra. That was when I saw my life flash before my eyes. I figured I’d just better bend over and stick my head between my legs and kiss my ass good-bye because I was pretty sure that I would be meeting my maker in the Kroger parking lot that evening. I made a U-turn and hit the beauty section to pick up a can of hairspray to use as a weapon and then I remembered that dude on the Oprah show telling us all to never let our abductors take us to the second location. All of a sudden, I wasn’t in such a hurry to finish my shopping.

Over in the dairy section, he came back with the Deepak Chopra CD and some kind of rock that had magical powers. The more I tried to refuse accepting them, the more he insisted I take them. I was skeptical but figured maybe at this point having a lucky rock would protect my pretty neck from getting slashed ear to ear, so I finally took it.

The Ted Bundy wannabe tried one more hard sell in the meat aisle to convince me to give up on monogamy by slipping me a piece of paper with his number on it. I figured at the very least it might help the police track him down after he murdered me.

Of course, since I’m telling you about this today, I didn’t get killed that night. My Kroger stalker was nowhere to be found as I left the parking lot. Unfortunately, being a creature of habit, this guy started hanging out at The Krog every Tuesday around 7 P.M. so I had to start going to the other location in our town, which made me completely sad because I didn’t know where anything was at that store.

Eventually, I reclaimed my Kroger — armed with a pink tube of pepper spray and a pretty pocket knife.

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. April 26, 2012 9:58 am

    Awesome. Just awesome.

  2. WordsFallFromMyEyes permalink
    April 26, 2012 4:08 pm

    Aglow with euphoria & thus especially attractive to weirdos – that totally made me laugh as it’s so true! 🙂 And the way you described kissing your ass goodbye 🙂 This was terrific, loved it. I really don’t know why men think it’s ok to be like this!!
    btw, this is from VodkaWasMyMuse.wordpress.com – not wordsfallfrommyeyes – I just don’t know how to use my second blog avatar!

    • April 26, 2012 5:43 pm

      Glad you got a kick out if it! Thank you for reading 🙂

  3. Stacia permalink
    April 26, 2012 9:11 pm

    It might be pathetic…but you are my only form of entertainment! Thanks!! 🙂

    • April 29, 2012 1:01 pm

      It’s not pathetic, it’s flattering (well for me). 😉 Thanks for reading!

  4. Brian permalink
    April 27, 2012 8:28 am

    You now carry a pink tube of pepper spray and a pretty pocket knife? GET A GUN!

    • April 29, 2012 1:02 pm

      I have one, but I can’t find a handbag big enough to accommodate my .22 pink rile. Thanks for reading 🙂

  5. April 27, 2012 10:34 am

    Loved the Patron Saint of Cell Phones! Sadly I can relate to your weirdo-magnet allure. The pepper spray is a good plan. Best bet is to take the hubby shopping with you next time, and if he is not a big guy, borrow someone else’s husband who lifts weights. Nothing says “leave me alone” like a some male arm candy from the WWF.

    • April 29, 2012 1:05 pm

      This gives me an idea — maybe I should start a biz where woman can rent big hulking guys to protect them from Walmart Weirdos. Thanks for reading Tracy!

  6. April 29, 2012 9:33 am

    “Frosted by the Flake.” Great title. You are immensely creative.

  7. May 1, 2012 7:52 pm

    Nice writing, but I hope that doesn’t happen often.

    • May 2, 2012 8:39 am

      Fortunately, this was an isolated occurrence. Thanks for stopping by!

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