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The Bitch is Back: Nine things that need to just go away in 2013

January 1, 2013

Dwyane-Wade-No-Lens-Glasses1So I decided to get my lazy ass off the couch and start working on my New Year’s resolutions, one of which was to write more. Then I remembered that nothing jump starts my creative process better than a few cocktails. Woohoo – another reason to imbibe more – I better add that to the list too! Anyhoo, I digress. But I thought what a better way to end my blogging hiatus than to talk about all the things I would like to see go away in 2013.  So here they are.

1. The Baby Bump.  What are we, 8 year olds? Wait, that might be insulting to 8 year olds. Let’s call it what it is, shall we? And what, does the media have nothing better to do than inspect celebrity women’s bellies for the slightest variation in size? Maybe Jennifer Anniston just decided to eat some extra salty snacks this week. I mean it IS the holidays and what-not. And as for Jessica Simpson, she just wanted to eat. That’s why she got pregnant again so she could get out of that pesky Weight Watchers contract.

2. The Couple Name Combination. Is it really too much to utter a couple more syllables when talking about celebrity couples? If brevity is that important, then let’s just stop talking about celebrity couples period. Does anyone really care what the hell Kim and Kanye are doing all the time? I bet the whole celebrity couple name combo thing is probably what pushed poor Katie off the divorce cliff. I mean who really wants to be known as TomKat?

3. The Snow Emergency. I live in Ohio. It snows here. Sometimes a lot. I don’t need an advisory, warning, etc. every time it’s going to snow or when there’s a possibility it’s going to snow. I also don’t need 24-hour news coverage of said possibility of snow. All this does is ensure that the milk and bread shelves in every Kroger in a 30-mile radius will be empty and school will be cancelled. We never had snow days when I was a kid. For Pete’s sake, I walked to school in the middle of a fucking blizzard in 1977. On second thought, I did have a snow day once when I was a kid. But I didn’t know about it until after I had walked to school in the blizzard and the doors were locked when I got there.

4. The Ridiculously Large Glasses without Lenses. Get some lenses in your stupid glasses and then maybe you will be able to see how stupid you look.

5. The Fiscal Cliff. Or any other nickname given to the instances when our elected officials act like fighting toddlers. I say we make all of our politicians sit on a big couch and hold hands and kiss until they can come to an agreement. That’s what I used to do when my kids fought about stupid shit and it worked like a charm. I mean if you had to hold hands and kiss John Boehner until you came to an agreement, I bet it wouldn’t take too long. Nobody wants to hold hands and kiss a crybaby. On the other hand, it may take a little longer with Obama…

6. The Stay-cation. If you are off of work and you go somewhere away from where you live, that’s called a vacation. If you are off of work and you stay at home, that’s called being off of work and staying home.

7. The Facebook Food Picture. Oh, how sweet – you had fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and green beans with a buttered roll and sweet tea for dinner.  Nobody gives a fuck. Stop it. On the other hand, if you created, with your very own hands, a 3-tiered magical unicorn cake with dazzling sparklers, then by all means, please post a picture of that.

8. The Duck Lips Picture. The “duck lip” look doesn’t look good on anyone, not even ducks. And considering ducks don’t even have lips, what you are really doing is trying to make your lips look like a duck’s beak. It’s not attractive, cute, and it sure in the hell isn’t sexy. It makes you look like an idiot. Oh wait, I like looking at pictures of people doing idiotic stuff.  I may have to re-think this one….

9. The Wardrobe Malfunction. In my 41 years on this earth, none of my body parts have ever fallen out of their protective layer of clothing on accident. Granted, I hardly wear skirts or dresses, but on the off chance that I were to decide to don such attire, I’d wear some britches underneath. And since I was blessed with an ample bosom, going braless is just not an option. But still ladies, they make products to cover all that up. Use them!

And because I like odd numbers, I’m ending on that! But I’d love to hear about what you’d like to see vanish in 2013.

Wishing you the best in the New Year!

Love,

Helle

 

 

 

 

 

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. January 2, 2013 3:17 am

    Hi Helle. Great to have you back in my mailbox after so long. Gotta think about the vanishing question. cheers, mishe

  2. January 2, 2013 11:21 pm

    Welcome back and Happy New Year. The only thing I would add to your list is Gangnam Style.

  3. January 5, 2013 11:42 am

    Welcome back my friend. You have been missed 🙂

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