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What Would Helle Do?

January 31, 2013

falling_downYou ever have one of those days where it seems nothing goes right? And then you find yourself teetering on the edge of being angry and going all Michael Douglas in Falling Down on someone to having a big ol’ pity party complete with cocktails and self-loathing? I was having one of those days recently and as I was staring out the office window at the kids outside the tatt shop smoking cigs and shooting the shit (and then hating them for what appeared to be carefree lives), I thought about playing in traffic how nice it would be to just drop everything and be totally irresponsible for one day and not have to worry about things like consequences and such.

Admit it, you’ve thought about this, too. Tell me that packing your bags and putting your current scenery in the rearview mirror hasn’t crossed your mind. Or maybe you’d just like to tell that annoying asshole in your life to fuck off. Hell, maybe you just wanna sit on the couch all day eating Cheetos and drinking Bud Light while watching Jerry Springer, which by the way I think everyone should do, in some sort of fashion, every now and then. I like to call those kinds of days mental health days. I took mental health days quite frequently before I had an actual job, but nowadays employers frown upon hung-over, unproductive employees. And subsequently, my mental health is deteriorating.   But I digress.

Anyhoo, let’s get my choo-choo train of thought back on track. Instead of considering what Jesus would do, let us contemplate, for a moment at least, what WE would do…in the absence of laws, rules, societal norms, not possessing a passport, and stuff. Here’s my top 5. And if my boss is reading this, please note that I more than likely will NEVER do any of this but if I do I will more than likely need your services for which I will kindly pay, with the money you pay me.  So it’s a win-win situation. Or slave labor. I’m not sure which…

1. Pack a bag, hop in the car, and start to drive with no destination in mind. I have pictures of Thelma and Louise in my head. I’d like to avoid killing someone, mostly because blood and guts make me queasy, and I’d especially like to avoid my own demise from driving off a cliff, but hey if that’s the way the chips fall, then so be it.

2. When driving to work on a Tuesday, make a slight left, head to the airport and hop on the first plane going to a Caribbean destination. Lounge on the beach, sipping fruity drinks with paper umbrellas, possibly start my own hair-braiding business and/or smoke pot all day. Have lobster for lunch. Repeat.

3. Hop on the stage at a concert, commandeer the microphone, and finish the entire set without being hauled away by the po-po.  And then my performance is so spectacular the band immediately hires me and we go on a world tour. Oh, and I completely trash a few hotel rooms and stupid expensive guitars all the while some poor soul caters to my every whim. It’s my dream. Shut up.

4. Get a tattoo in a place that’s visible everyday. Like on my neck or hand. Hell, I may do this anyway. Maybe I’ll even get a half sleeve. And while I’m at it, I may just get my nose pierced, too. Wild, I know (note the sarcasm).

5. Learn to play the guitar, quit my job, and sit on a sidewalk playing tunes all day for pocket change or maybe play in dark, musty bars on Wednesdays and Fridays. Eventually of course, I’ll get discovered as the next best singer-songwriter, sell millions of records, and live the eccentric, hedonistic lifestyle Jesus really meant for me to have.

That’s it. That’s the list. Well that’s the list I’m willing to put on the interwebz, anyways. Share yours with me, unless you’re scared…

4 Comments leave one →
  1. January 31, 2013 6:45 pm

    I’m still feeling burned after realizing what happens in Vegas, doesn’t stay in Vegas! Wishing you beautiful karma.

  2. January 31, 2013 6:45 pm

    My mental health days list: 1) Pack up my things and disappear into the mountains, leaving civilization behind for good… 2) Hmm, no #1 pretty much covered it. 😀

  3. Dena permalink
    January 31, 2013 6:51 pm

    Beer, wings, kielbasa and a beach pretty much sums it up for me.

  4. February 9, 2013 7:48 pm

    Move to the Rocky Mountains to a secluded cabin with excellent Internet connectivity and an unbelievable amount of coffee beans.

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