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Free Fallin’: And Not the Good Tom Petty Kind

March 11, 2013

fall downI think someone in my family is plotting my early demise. It all started a couple of years ago, when someone left the cap off the shampoo and oozed all down the side and over the bottom of the tub. I unknowingly and innocently started the shower, and stepped in the big pile of goo. Immediately, I went ass over teacup and landed on my hip. Yep, at the tender age of 38 I had my first “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up moment.” I did eventually manage to get up because my desire of not having my teenage son help my nekkid ass up far outweighed the immense pain I felt when moving.

Because nothing felt broken and I had 4 kids to take care of, I did not seek medical attention. I mean who has time for surgery and/or body casts with 4 kids? I did have one hellavu bruise that was the size of Texas that covered every color in the Skittles rainbow plus a few I’d never seen before. It was the Queen Mother of bruises. If bruises had a Hall of Fame that baby would have been the main attraction. And let me tell you what, I did not hesitate to drop trou and show my ass to anyone who would look at it. Just ask my nephew. In hindsight, I probably broke my hip that day because now I can tell when it’s going to rain a few days before the weatherman can. Watch out Jym Ganahl, I’ve got my eye on your job.

The next incident happened during Trick or Treat the year before last. I was holding my then 10-year-old daughter’s hand as we tried to quickly run across a highway to get back to our car (don’t ask, I live in the country). It was dark and one of those damn reflector thingys they put on the road so you can see the yellow lines just caught my toe and I went flying and landed in the middle of the highway and just kinda laid there for a second or thirty trying to get my wits about me to get up before a car came along and squashed me like Frogger. Lucky for me, my daughter was whisked to safety and I only had a few scrapes and bruises and a sore wrist for a while. But I could have died! I was lying in the middle of a freaking highway and no one stopped to pick me up. Just sayin’.

Then last spring, as I was rushing to pick up a child from track practice, I opened the door to the garage to head to my car, and totally missed seeing the damn cat that was standing on the step. Are we beginning to see a pattern here? I tripped over the damn cat, which isn’t my cat, but an inherited cat because the previous owner of this house decided it was cool to leave cats (yes TWO cats) behind because it was just too inconvenient to take TWO cats to their new place of residency. Mind you, I have a child who is deathly allergic to cats so the cats have to stay outside if I would like to keep my child alive, but I have not sent the cats to the pound (i.e., Chamber of Death) because I have a fucking heart, unlike said previous owners of the cats.

But boo for me, who trips over said cats and lands on her head on the cement garage floor and sees stars and may or may not have suffered irreversible brain damage due to said cats. While the knot on my head might not have been the size of Texas, it was probably the size of Rhode Island and I think it might have caused some permanent brain damage. Matter of fact, the next time my boss asks me why I forgot to do something he asks, I’m just going to say I’m suffering from Traumatic Brain Injury. Hell, maybe I can file a claim with SSI and not have to work anymore.

And lastly, we have this morning. Already running about 5 minutes behind, I notice my old-lady hip is hurting and it’s going to rain today. I decided that I should unplug my laptop lest take the chance of a huge storm and possible power surge deleting all of the precious writing that I was able to recover after losing almost everything I’ve ever written the other day (OK, so technology doesn’t always suck, and yes I was able to recover a good bit of what I lost a few days ago, but that’s just not interesting or funny enough for its own blog). So with my big Barbie coffee mug in hand, full of coffee I might add, and in heels, I lean over to unplug my laptop and then quickly turn to head to the kitchen to grab my purse and lunch of Diet Coke before heading out to my glorious day of fielding people’s legal woes, which on a Monday is somewhat more daunting than it may sound, when all of a sudden my high-heeled boot catches the cord of the paper shredder.

One of the most awful moments in life, I think, is that feeling when you are falling and you know there is not a damn thing you can do to stop it. You are caught in between that split second of knowing that you are landing on your ass (or face) and you are trying to decide what to save. Instead of my body, I chose to avoid cracking the screen of my iPhone, which was also in my hand, and possibly spilling coffee on my laptop. I achieved both.

Never mind I may have broken my neck, dislocated a shoulder, and sprained a wrist. After all, my co-pay for an ER visit is less than my AppleCare deductible.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. March 11, 2013 9:15 pm

    Thanks for the tears of laughter! And yea, ER is cheaper than AppleCare!

  2. JonnaD permalink
    March 12, 2013 2:29 pm

    Honey, you are not alone. A week ago I stepped on the laptop cord, which skidded across the hardwood floor, propelling me onto the pile of cardboard boxes stacked in the corner. I landed between them and the wall, on my face and the wrist I’ve broken 3 times before (each time by tripping over some small thing), ending up with bruises all down my right side.

  3. March 12, 2013 8:50 pm

    You’re a good mom to spare your teenage son unnecessary future therapy bills from picking up his nekked mother…lol.

  4. March 14, 2013 6:57 pm

    Thanks for reading y’all! 🙂

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