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I Want Candy!

April 2, 2013


good n plenty licoriceNow that you have that catchy little tune stuck in your head, which incidentally has nothing to do with candy, let’s talk about candy that sucks. Candy so bad that someone should just revoke its candy title and the inventor of said sucky candy should be sentenced to a lifetime of eating their own crappy so-called candy until they end up looking like bloated road kill.


The first sucky candy offender is none other than chocolate covered fill in the blank.  Raisinettes were the first to come to my mind, mostly because I hate raisins. And just slapping some chocolate on any old, dead, dried up piece of fruit you can find does not a candy make! Same goes with nuts. Chocolate covered anything is not candy. Would you slap some chocolate on some dried up earthworms and call it candy? I think not.


Next on my list is Good and Plenty. These are not good, and that’s WHY they are plenty – no one wants to eat ‘em! Who in the hell actually decided that putting a hard sugary coating over black licorice pellets was a good idea? I’ll tell ya who, someone who sat around popping little white and pink pills all day, that’s who. I’d rather have chocolate covered gasoline pellets than eat that crap.


Rounding out the middle, we have Gummy Bears. I can’t look at a Gummy Bear without thinking of that closing scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off where the nerdy girl on the bus offers a Gummy Bear to the battered and beaten Mr. Rooney. She says they are even warm because she’s kept them in her pocket all day. I’ve heard these things are indestructible.  You can leave them out in the elements for years and they will not disintegrate nor will any living creature touch them. I don’t know about you but if my dog won’t eat it, then neither will I.


I might get some flack for this next one, but I’m tough so have at it. Sucky candy Number 4 is anything mint. Peppermint Patties, Junior Mints, Andes After Dinner Mints, you name it. If it’s minty, it’s not candy in my book. I don’t want my candy to be refreshing. The whole point of candy is to be comforting. If I want to be refreshed, I’ll have a Mojito.


And last, but not least is the Mounds/Almond Joy train wreck. I guess this could technically fall under Sucky Candy Number 1, but it’s so spectacularly sucky that I decided to give it its own mention. There is nothing good about coconut. I don’t even like coconut-flavored rum so that should tell you how much I despise the coconut. Making a gooey, chocolate covered glob of coconut is quite possibly the worst idea ever in candy making history. And apparently someone thought it was such a brilliant idea that they decided adding a single, solitary almond on the top of the glob should result in another dumb assed candy bar, the Almond Joy.

Now I’m going to go enjoy some real candy – the Lindor Truffle. The bag says that once I break the delicate chocolate shell the irresistibly smooth filling will gently caress all of my senses and take me to a place where my chocolate dreams will come true. Now that is what I call candy…

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Dusty permalink
    April 10, 2013 7:54 pm

    Vodka Soaked Gummy Bears are awesome! And no they are not sticky from the kodak..Like a little sponge each bear will contain about 1/4 a shot of the good stuff….. Gummy Butterflies…how ever resemble a prehistoric pterodactyl

    • April 13, 2013 11:45 am

      That sounds like a waste of vodka. LOL Thanks for reading!

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