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Keep My Nose Outta Your Business

April 10, 2013


A Seinfeld reference. And probably one of the reasons I refuse to have a nose job.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t find myself in a position of making a snap decision on whether or not to say what the hell is on my mind to biting the fuck out of my tongue until blood pours out of my mouth. Most days this shit happens at work so I’m left with the option of biting my tongue or…biting my tongue. In my personal life, I’m more apt to say whatever the hell is on my mind. But every now and then someone will catch me off guard and I’m left speechless looking like the kid who just watched her dog get run over by a city bus.

One of those moments happened recently. Earlier that week I thought to myself I should just pack my bags and hit the road for the weekend. But then my sense of responsibility got the better of me and I decided instead I would just go shopping after work, which is just a sad state of affairs for me because I hate shopping. But I live in a small town and apart from shopping, my only other choices were bars, bowling, movies, or church and since I couldn’t find anyone to go to the bar or bowling with me, shopping it was.

Somewhere between the handbags (my Achilles heel) and the jewelry, the makeup lady sucked me into her lair. I do love me some makeup and the dreaded free gift with purchase was just enough bait to suck me in. Plus, who doesn’t like some stranger rubbing nice smelling stuff all over your face with the promise of making you more beautiful? And there was the added incentive that this was more time I was not at home wasting away in front of a TV with 800 channels of nothing to watch. Plus I was hoping to head over to the Trashio Shack later and see if I could talk them into putting a new screen protector on my phone.

So as Ms. LetMeMakeYouBeautiful was making my almost flawless face even more breath-taking, she says, “You have a lovely nose.” I smiled. I do get complimented on my nose a lot. Not to brag, but I do have a pretty spectacular nose. Matter of fact, I think my nose is so spectacular, that I have avoided having my deviated septum fixed for fear that it would alter my otherwise perfect nose. Basically, I have chosen that I love the way my nose looks so much, that I would prefer to have a pretty, but un-functional nose, as opposed to being able to breathe out of both nostrils, for fear some hack of a surgeon would ruin the great aesthetics of my nose.

And then she says, “But you should really have your deviated septum fixed.”

Normally, I would have some smart-ass snarky comment to shoot back. But no, I sat there…dumbfounded, pretty sparkly lips, agape with shock. I think I hate that more than being caught naked by the UPS man.

Don’t hate me because I have a beautiful nose.  Like me because I can’t breathe out of it but refuse to fix it.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. April 12, 2013 12:26 am

    Another example of the unfairness of life. How sad that a deviated septum is wasted on someone with a perfect nose. I always dreamed of having one, but no such luck. Hilarious post, and, oh my gosh, I love your Seinfeld photo!

    • April 13, 2013 11:43 am

      Well if it makes you feel any better, people a couple inches shorter than me can see that one nostril is skinnier than the other. Thanks for reading!

  2. April 12, 2013 11:37 pm

    I once spent a very long lunch hour listening to a co-worker tell me all about his deviant septum–which I was a phrase I wish had come up with during my teenage punk rock phase.

    • April 13, 2013 11:44 am

      Deviant Septum. Love that. Thanks for reading!

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