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Wow! What a Sham: A Study of Late Night Infomercials

May 3, 2013

As-Seen-On-TVEven though I have like 800 TV channels to pick from, sometimes I just can’t find a damn thing to watch. And sometimes I have insomnia and there’s not a lot to pick from at 3:00 a.m. unless you’re into the variety of selections on Skin-a-Max. So, invariably I end up watching those stupid infomercials selling miracle products that are just going to transform my life for the better!

As a side note, these miracle products are usually only $19.99 and if you call right now, they’ll send you another one for free, as long as you pay the extra shipping and handling. I don’t know about you, but I expect anything that’s going to transform my life to cost wayyyy more than twenty lousy bucks. But that’s just me. I mean you can’t even get a good bottle of vodka for $19.99 and that only transforms my life into something wonderful for a few days, tops.

But I digress. Let’s take a look at some of these miracle products. And don’t feel bad if you’ve actually bought one. I’ve fallen victim to an As Seen on TV purchase a time or two myself, but it was the pancake puff thing and I actually enjoyed making pancake puffs there for a while. Oh wait, there was the funnel cake thingy too and that was just a pure disaster, but I did end up with a nifty thing to water plants should I ever remember to water the plants…

The Sham-Wow

Who hasn’t bought the Sham-Wow? OK, I haven’t, but I wanted to buy it. Does that count? It seems to be able to solve almost every problem I have. I have to say that since Billy Mays died though, the Sham-Wow just doesn’t seem to pack the same punch. This new guy could learn a lesson or two from watching the master of the As Seen on TV commercial. Billy Mays’ enthusiasm could almost convince me to buy anything. Well except the Sham-Wow, but I’m lazy. Which leads me to the next product…

The Forever Lazy

This is kinda like a Snuggie, except it makes the Snuggie look like a bad hospital gown. It’s basically footie jammies for adults complete with a butt flap so you can take a dump without getting undressed. I think that might be where this gem actually got it’s name because I can think of nothing lazier than not wanting to take your pants off to go take a crap. Who buys this?! Oh wait… I may have heard someone talking about owning this in the office…let’s move on.

The Stadium Pal

If you thought the Forever Lazy was the epitome of the sadness of the American human condition, then check out the Stadium Pal. Not only are the people who use this too lazy to take off their pants to take a piss, they are too lazy to even go find a bathroom. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never found myself in the position of deciding that it would just be a better idea to relieve myself into a hidden bag strapped to my leg than find a restroom. However, I guess during those extra cold football tailgates, it may help keep you warm. Think I’d opt for freezing half to death, but that’s just me.

The Ear Wax Vac

I actually kinda wish that this was around about 17 years ago. My kids produce the most ear wax I’ve ever seen come out of a human body and their ear holes are so tiny, the wax would get all stuck up in there and then it would get hard. That would require a trip to the doctor, who would then have to use this hook looking thing to dig out the nasty hard ear wax while my child would scream bloody murder. I don’t really think this thing works but I sure wish I had invented it because then I’d be laying on a beach, fat and happy, sipping a fruity cocktail while y’all were trying to vacuum your ears. Ain’t nobody got time for earwax.

The Micro Touch Max with LED Light

I think what got me on this one was the LED light. I don’t know a lot of men who would even use this, let alone a guy who would need to groom in the dark. Is that a big problem for guys that I’m unaware of? (Forgive me Grandma for ending a sentence with a preposition.) I don’t know about you, but if I’m using something that has the ability to cut off a body part of mine, I’m going to be using it with the lights ON and a phone handy incase I need to call the squad.

The No! No!

And here we have a hair removal option for women. It claims to be pain-free. I’m kinda of leery after a session with my Grandma’s Epi-Lady back in the 80’s, which used this metal coil thingy to rip the hairs right out of your skin. It only took me about 5-seconds to decide the Epi-Lady was a torture device at the tender age of 12. Our government should look into these devices as an option to water-boarding. That’s how bad it was. So I don’t have much enthusiasm for the No! No! I mean the name is basically telling me not to use it, right? They totally should have hired Don Draper for that ad campaign. I mean Peggy would have never let them put out a product for women to remove hair painlessly and let them call it No! No! Duh.

And last but not least, my personal all time favorite As Seen on TV product. Drum roll please…

The Cuchini

I don’t even know where to begin. This is probably the all time best infomercial I have ever seen. You have to watch the video. I really must pay homage to these women — if only I had thought of this. And not only do they have the answer to your camel toe dilemma, they have some other neat products to help deter some other embarrassing fashion faux pas. I guarantee those girls are sitting on a beach right now sipping fruity cocktails sans embarrassing female anatomy issues. Skinny Blonde Bitches. I think I will invent the Helle way of preventing camel toe – wear some damn pants that aren’t three sizes too small! Sorry Christy and Kelly, but I’m a brunette. These things come to us naturally.

So there are my picks for dumbest As Seen on TV products. Have you tried any of these? Let me know…I swear, I won’t tell a soul. Wink, wink.

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