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Mother’s Day Gift Ideas from Helle

May 8, 2013

no_to_snuggieIt’s that time of year again when well-meaning men folk and children are scrambling to find the perfect Mother’s Day gift. Why, my own kids just asked me today what I would like to have for the glorious occasion (this is where I wish I had a font that denoted sarcasm). It’s really hard to look into the bluest eyes of the prettiest girl you’ve ever seen, who you also happened to give birth to, and say “I’d just like a day of solitude to write and drink vodka” but I digress…

I have no flipping clue what I’d like for Mother’s day, other than the aforementioned day of solitude, but I thought I would give it a wing and suggest some do’s and don’ts of Mother’s Day gifts for my three faithful readers and any other wayward soul who might find this blog by Googling “Charmin toilet paper.” Yeah, that search term is the #1 for finding this blog. More on that later….

After being a mom for the last 18 years, I have an idea or two about what makes a good gift and inversely, about eleventy hundred ideas of what makes a bad gift. You never ever want to buy anything that has been featured on an As Seen on TV infomercial, period. Even if you’re wrapping the jewelry you bought in a Snuggie, Mom’s first thought is going to be “Oh, a Snuggie.” That is not good. Ever. And speaking of jewelry, she really doesn’t need any jewelry that sports the word “mom.” She knows she’s your mother. She spent several hours in labor and that’s all the reminder she needs about that.

Other things to avoid are small kitchen appliances and/or cleaning tools. I don’t care if she really wants a pink Kitchen Aid stand mixer, just because it’s $200 doesn’t mean it’s a good gift. This also applies to fancy vacuum cleaners, dishwashers, Panini makers, etc. If the gift you are giving makes it easier for her to do things for you, then it’s shit. End of story.

You also don’t want to buy anything that could be considered exercise equipment. This just tells mom you think she’s fat. Never a good idea. And if you don’t heed this advice, you might find yourself the lucky recipient of a Shake Weight right upside the head. I also would discourage gifts of lotion or body spray, because that just says you think she’s smelly and/or you’re too cheap to spring for a day at the spa where someone else pampers her. And flowers. Well, they’re sweet at first, but after a few days, it’s just another mess she’ll have to clean up when they die and have to be thrown away. You ever try to stuff a big bouquet of crunchy dead flowers in the trash? It makes a mess on the floor and also punches holes in the trash bag, thus causing more work for mom. And then she has to find somewhere to put that big ugly vase they come in. Bad idea all around.

So now you’re probably asking, “Well Helle, what SHOULD we buy mom then?” Well if your mom is like me, she wants concert tickets. There’s nothing better than live music and if you disagree, then you must be a Communist. And mom will never tell you this, but she wants a weekend away from you. If you can combine the concert tickets with the weekend away, you’re golden. If you can’t afford this combo, then start saving up for next year. In the meantime, send her a couple of hours away to a luxurious hotel room with room service and the best bottle of wine/liquor you can afford. If you’re smart, you’ll contact her best girlfriend’s kids and go halfies and send them together. I can see nothing going wrong with this gift and it may even land you in the Hall of Fame of Children, if there were such a thing.

Now if you’re looking for more low-brow than that, you can’t go wrong with a day at the spa. Most women love being pampered with manis, pedis, facials, and of course massages. Personally, I don’t like facials because the last time I had one the girl was trying to pop pimples and remove blackheads and that was just about the most unpleasant thing I’ve ever experienced besides childbirth, but maybe they do it differently where you live. And I personally don’t like strangers rubbing on my naked body, but that’s just me. Maybe your mom is a freak and enjoys those things.

Lastly, if you can’t think of anything else, try to score your mom some Xanax. This is tricky though, because it’s sorta illegal, unless you can score mom a script for it. I’m really not condoning that you go out and buy your mom some drugs, but let me tell you what, they didn’t call that stuff Mother’s Little Helper for nothing back in the 60’s. I guess if you live in Colorado, you could get her a joint as a good substitute, but the rest of y’all are just fucked and will find yourselves at the Walgreen’s on Saturday night perusing the gift card rack.

Go with the MasterCard gift card. It’s accepted everywhere. Or save yourself a trip and just give her cash.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. May 8, 2013 12:17 pm

    Awesome. I always just made my Mom breakfast in bed, clean the kitchen, and left her alone for the rest of the day.

    • May 8, 2013 12:54 pm

      Thanks for reading. That sounds like a wonderful Mother’s Day gift to me!

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