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Happy F#$%ing Holidays!

December 15, 2013

As I was doing my holiday shopping tonight, I was reminded about this piece I wrote almost 3 years ago to the day.  I’m sorry to say my situation hasn’t improved much since then because now I have a full time job, plus I still hate shopping – even in the online form – and I’m a terrible procrastinator to boot.  I’m marking it down on my to-do list right now to find a religion that doesn’t have some end of the year gift giving spree and allows the consumption of bacon.  If you know of any, give me a holler.

Anyways….here’s my take on the holidays from December 14, 2010. And I still feel the same way on December 15, 2013.  BAH-HUMBUG!

Today one of my friends shared a quote that really hit home with me. It was from the show Family Guy, which I admit I don’t watch but several of my kids do. The mom, Lois, apparently was feeling somewhat like I do this holiday season, when she uttered “You all think Christmas just HAPPENS! You think all this goodwill just FALLS from the freakin’ sky!!! Well it doesn’t!!!! It falls from my holly jolly butt! So you can cook your own damn turkey; wrap your own damn presents and while you’re at it you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to HELL!!! Auuuugghhhh!!!”

I’m totally feeling Lois. As a matter of fact, I’m thinking about contacting my attorney because I’m quite sure that the Family Guy writers may have been eavesdropping on my life the last few weeks and I want some fucking royalties. Maybe it could even be a class action lawsuit for all moms everywhere. I mean maybe we can at least get enough to buy a fifth a piece.

Now mind you, this rant comes after a snow day that cut into my actual Christmas shopping time because between basketball and LIFE I haven’t had time to start the shopping. And after looking at the calendar today, I realized I’m really in crunch time for Christmas shopping. Luckily for me, I’ve cut gift recipient list down drastically from previous years.

But, I’m left wondering about this whole holiday prep thing. I spend all my time making sure Juniors 1 through 4 are happy on Christmas morning. I clean the house so we can gather here; I cook the dinner we all eat. Oh, I also wrap the presents and make sure that those that require batteries have them and those that need assembly are complete before Christmas morning. Everyone else just shows up.

I’m not trying to buck tradition or anything, but after considering all of this, shouldn’t Santa be depicted as a chick in a skirt and heels carrying a purse looking all harried as she runs around between the Walmarts and Best Buy making sure everyone’s wish list is covered? And shouldn’t our poor Santa Chick at least get an evening at a fine dining establishment with several martinis and some amusebouche, at the very least?  

If you are over the age of 12, you should realize that Christmas just doesn’t happen. It takes work from a very dedicated person, most likely a WOMAN, who is your mother. The same woman who gets no recognition for all she does for your family at Christmas time because some fat, imaginary fucker named Santa takes all the credit. Most likely, she is also the one who doesn’t get a gift on this momentous occasion. And if she does, it’s probably not one that she really wants, but she will accept it graciously because that’s what Moms do.

So at the very least, tell your Mom thanks this holiday season. If you really love her, show her, whether it is with a gift she really wants or cleaning up the house after all the eleventy hundred guests have left. Whatever you decide to do, just make sure she knows you appreciate her. You’ll be in like flint until her birthday and she won’t be in a pissy mood for yours.

15 Comments leave one →
  1. December 14, 2010 2:48 pm

    I can relate. As you saw on my post this morning, my husband pulled on my last nerve telling me I can’t make lasagna for Christmas dinner. BA-HUMBUG. I’d rather sit in my p.j.s all day and have a pizza delivered! Hope you get something good. VERY FUNNY post by the way.

    • December 14, 2010 7:37 pm

      I think lasagna sounds wonderful, especially when it’s not made by me! Thanks Heidi 🙂

  2. December 14, 2010 3:10 pm

    Very funny! Reminders of Christmases past for me. Although this Christmas I wish it was me – the alternative is very sad.

    So while I did laugh, all of you going through this – be thankful you have this opportunity.

    • December 14, 2010 7:36 pm

      Of course — I am thankful, thanks for the reminder 🙂

  3. lifeinthemind permalink
    December 14, 2010 4:32 pm

    I must thank you for the laugh as your post is quite funny. Hubby and I are skipping Christmas this year. Just don’t have the holiday sprit and choose to avoid the malls like the plague. Take a day, lock yourself in the bathroom with some music to drown out the bangning and complaining and let the clan fend for themselves for awhile. You deserve some me time….

    • December 14, 2010 7:34 pm

      Thank you for reading! And I think I will take your advice 🙂

  4. December 14, 2010 4:45 pm

    Merry Christmas and thanks for making me laugh all year long. Santa is a woman. Jesus is black. Elvis lives. And eye creams really do stop wrinkles!!!

    In Germany it’s the Baby Jesus who takes all the credit – he brings the presents, not Santa. How that works is anybody’s guess. I just go with the flow.


    • December 14, 2010 7:34 pm

      Thank you for reading! Interesting that Baby Jesus brings your presents. I guess I’m glad I got stuck w/ Santa, it would be hard to cuss at Baby Jesus. 🙂

  5. December 14, 2010 11:40 pm

    i’ve never watched Family Guy either although my teen thinks it’s hilarious (but then again, my kid still thinks farting is funny) so when i read the remark from the show i laughed out loud because that should be on a huge friggin billboard in every city and every mall – maybe the ungrateful people of the xmas holiday will stop and appreciate it all – yeah, i know, it’d never happen

    i too believe santa is a chic – there’s no way santa is a man because he’d never find the kid’s houses because he’d be lost all friggn night and won’t ask for directions – however, it may not be a chic because he can eat millions of cookies and not look like a beached whale suffering heat stroke (yes, the ‘santa’ person is round, i dare say the fat word because i worry i may be struck by lightening) fifty-fifty for me – maybe they switch up every year – whoever can stand to gain 50 pounds is the one who is sent out to squeeze their ass down all the chimneys and doggie doors

    happy holidays to you and yours!

    • December 15, 2010 7:27 am

      Haha, funny comment! Thanks for stopping by and reading. Us prone to lightning strikes chicks must stick together! 😉 Happy Holidays to you, as well.

  6. Birdie permalink
    December 19, 2010 4:00 am

    Santa is a chick? =(
    HAHA love you! Best one yet, I think!

  7. January 25, 2011 7:03 pm

    I encourage you to take the route my parents did and simply not worry if the children have a good Christmas or not. You’ll be happier and their expectations will be lower so you can totally wow them next year!

    I hope you’ve had time to relax now that the holidays are over.

    • February 2, 2011 8:09 am

      Haha, yes! I need to stop caring. Unfortunately, January wasn’t any slower…let’s hope February is more slack ass friendly. Thanks for reading!


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