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Out with the Old: 10 Things You Need to Stop Doing in 2014

December 29, 2013

geraldo-rivera-selfie3-464x620

What the French Toast were you thinking Geraldo?!

With a new year quickly approaching, I have high hopes that 2014 will be the end.  The end of some things that I’d like to stop seeing, that is.   I hope it’s not my end, because there’s about eleventy things I haven’t crossed off my bucket list yet. Note to self: Make a bucket list.   Anyhoo, if my life had a delete button, here’s what would get the ax.

1.  The Bathroom Mirror Selfie.  Listen kids, if you have a smart phone you don’t need to utilize the bathroom mirror to take a pic of yourself.  All modern smart phones have a little button that you can tap that will allow you to take a front facing pic.  That way, you can take a picture of yourself in any room in your house and we won’t accidentally see your latest creation in the john or your mildew covered shower curtain. Nothing good happens in the bathroom.  Well at least nothing you want to share on social media.  There’s a reason there’s a door on your bathroom.  For the love of Charmin, please use it!  Also, if you own the Jitterbug phone and can’t do the front facing pic, it’s time to upgrade your phone, dude.

2.  Twerking.  When I first heard this word, I though it meant you were high on meth and possibly robbing the Circle K.  It seems I totally confused twerking with tweaking.  Huge thanks to Miley Cyrus, for clearing that up for me!  Little Hannah Montana taught me that twerking is simply a way that chicks can simulate having back door sex in public.  Hey, we get it.  You have a great ass, and you want to take the next dude you run into at the club down the dirt road, but can you do it behind the bathroom door without the bathroom selfies? Pretty please?!

3.  YOLO.  You only live once? Really? Well fuck.  I was under the impression that we lived a couple of times.  See I was totally fucking up this life thinking I had a couple of more times to do this thing right.  Now my plan is all messed up.  They should cover this shit in Kindergarten.

4.  M.O.P.B.   You can mind your own business, mind your manners, and mind your P’s and Q’s (what does that mean anyways?)* but can you please stop minding other people’s business?  If you are spending any amount of time on spying on people, meddling in their lives, tattling on people, or even worse yet making up baseless rumors, then it’s time for you to get a hobby, a second job, or work on reinforcing the walls in your glass house.   I know kids in junior high that have more class than that.

5.  Claiming you have swag.  Back in the day, swag described a confidence within – it described a way that a person carried himself that was just downright cool.  Now it seems it’s just another way to say someone is cocky as hell, and since when did cocky become endearing? Oh wait, never.  LeBron got some swag! No, LeBron is a douche who thinks his shit doesn’t stink.  LeBron doesn’t have swag.  Humphrey Bogart had swag.  Frank Sinatra had swag.  Sean Connery had swag.  Sammy Davis Jr. had swag. Take note, LeBron, and then come talk to me… Swag isn’t something you declare that you possess.  You either have it or you don’t.

6.  #.  This thing just needs to go away.  I don’t get it.  Do people really wake up and say, hmm, I think I’ll search up #mybreakfast or even worse is when people hashtag their kids. #emmaisdabomb.  Look, I love my kids as much as you love yours, but I’m not arrogant enough to think you think little Emma rocks as much as I do.  Quit hashtagging everything you can think of, especially your kids.  Only 1.5 people are searching that up, and it’s just the grandparents who even know how to use the interwebs.  You are annoying the hell out of the rest of us.

7.  Using the word “literally” erroneously.  That was so funny, I literally died reading it!  Um.  No you didn’t.  If you had literally died reading that, you wouldn’t have been able to type that.  Because literally means it really happened.  If you literally died when you read my hilarious blog, you wouldn’t be able to comment.  Because you’d be dead.  Get it? Never mind.  No wait, I can’t leave it there.  Dead people can’t type, damn it.

8.  The N Word.  It’s 2014.  And I don’t care what ethnicity you are, it’s just a word that needs to go away.  For the same reason women shouldn’t use the C word, nobody should use the N word.  You aren’t owning it when you use it and you are of the race that it describes.  You are just perpetuating ugly stereotypes.  Let’s all vow to quit using ugly words that being with N.  And C.  You want to own something? Own being someone worthy of a better word.  On another note, I hear the B word is still quite acceptable.  So have at it.

9.  The Biebs.  Can my prayers be answered? It is possible that Bieber is truly retiring and I’ll never have to look or listen to this hot mess of a girl trapped in a boy’s body ever again? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that).  Hallelujah, the Baby Jesus came finally came through for me this year.  And if it’s all a lie, I vow to become Jewish even though it means I can never eat bacon again.  And yes, I know it’s probably not right to dislike a child as much as I dislike this kid, but that’s why I’m either going to hell or giving up bacon.  I hope his retirement is true, because I really love bacon.

10.  The Elf on a Shelf.  OK, so maybe I’m a little envious that I didn’t come up with this idea because then I’d be sipping Mai Tai’s on a remote Caribbean island laughing wildly while I check the exponentially rising balance of my off shore Swedish bank account, but that’s neither here nor there.  And I guess it’s not so much the little freakish elf I despise, but the over-zealous parents make the rest of us look like slackers.  Isn’t it enough that we have a pretend fat, jovial guy wearing a red suit who gets all the credit for our hard work in making sure our kids’ Christmas wishes are fulfilled? Hell, perpetuating that whole myth wore me out so much I didn’t even hide the presents I bought this year.  Which may explain why some of my kids weren’t too surprised… Anyhoo, the only thing the over-zealous elf accomplishes is making our kids develop unrealistic expectations they will undoubtedly carry around for the rest of their lives and that creates some very obnoxious qualities later in adulthood, but that’s just my five cents worth…

So that’s it, that’s the list. Feel free to add to it…I’d love to hear about the things you’d like to see go away in 2014, too.  Maybe together, we can make this world a better place to live.

 

* Lucky for you, I have a mild case of ADD and during the revision process I searched up “minding your P’s and Q’s” on The Goog.  I found it’s derived from the 17th century when bartenders would keep an eye out for how many pints and quarts their patrons were consuming.  I guess riding a horse while under the influence was a big problem back in the 17th century.

 

 

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