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Duck You, Phil Robertson

January 1, 2014

Just weeks after Phil Robertson’s now infamous GQ interview where he shared his bigoted views on blacks, gays, sinners – basically everyone who ISN’T a white Christian straight man – some video footage has surfaced where he’s giving out some advice (and I use the word advice lightly) to young men.  Even though the footage is from 2009, thanks to the magic of YouTube, Mr. Robertson can step on his crank all over again today in 2014.

I don’t know why anyone would be surprised that a man who hates gay people, thinks black people looked happy working in the cotton fields, and that booze is the root of all evil, would think that women would escape his outdated, cave-man like, hatred filled proselytizing.  Now we get a glimpse into Ol’ Phil’s views on picking yourself a good wife.

Here’s the key guys, and listen up!  You need to snag ‘em up while they are young.  According to Phil, the prime time to snag you up a good wife is when they’re about 15 or 16 years old.  That way they’ll be picking your ducks and not your pockets!  If you wait until they are the ripe old age of 20, then you might as well just forget about what’s in your pockets.  Damn women!  I don’t know what age group he’s speaking to, but the video says he’s at the Sportsmen’s Ministry.   I sure hope he isn’t talking to a bunch of 50 year old guys because that would just be creepy.  And sorta illegal.  Unless, according to Phil, you get the girl-child’s parents’ permission.  Then it’s totally OK.  Warren Jeffs, anyone?

I wonder if Phil would like for some weird 30 year old Bible thumping, racist, misogynist duck hunter to start courting his grand-daughters when they turned about 14-ish (hey, a good courtship needs to be at least a year long.  I think that’s probably in the Bible, but I was raised Catholic and we don’t actually read that book).   I’d sure like to ask him that.  I’d also like to ask Korie and Missy how they feel about that.  I don’t know the ladies personally, but from the few times I’ve watched the show, I can’t imagine that either of them would be on board with marryin’ off their young’uns at such a tender age.  Phil might need to grow a second pair of eyes in the back of his head, because I’m thinking that Missy chick may be prone to a sneak attack, quiet but deadly, blunt force punch to the throat with a swift kick to the junk, just to be sure.  Not judging – just sayin’ I wouldn’t want to encounter her in a dark alley.  She looks kinda mean.  Korie’s probably too busy picking fat Willie’s pockets.  I’m pretty sure she isn’t picking his ducks.

In other news, if any of the attendees at Phil’s river rat counseling session make their way into Southern Ohio and set eyes on my 13-year-old daughter, I’ll make quick target practice out of their nut sack with my pink Real Tree .22 rifle.  Don’t duck with me; I have a pretty good aim.

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