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How to End Your Relationship in 8 Easy Steps: Things You Should Never Say to Women

January 14, 2014

Shut UpI know sometimes men get confused about dealing with women and I was feeling a little generous today, so I thought I’d give all you wayward men some Helle-pful hints on communicating with women.  See guys, there are some things you should never, ever under any circumstance say to us.  I know we are a confusing bunch and it can be hard to remember the things you should say versus the things you shouldn’t.  Hell, sometimes I don’t even know what to say to women and I am one.  But nevertheless, there are a few certain things you should never say, and for the low, low price of FREE, I am going to share some of them with you.  This list is not exhaustive and it could change at a moment’s notice, but that’s neither here nor there.  Here we go.

1.  Are you on your period?  So what if we are? That doesn’t give you free reign to be a dick for a week nor does it give you an excuse to turn your dickheadedness right back on us.  Nope.  It’s possible I may be a tad more sensitive during certain times of the month, but it’s usually the week before.  It’s also possible that you just pissed me off, regardless of what time of the month it may be.  I am capable of feeling anger, sadness, and/or happiness equally on any day of the month regardless of where I am in my cycle.  I guess technically you could say “You’re about to start your period” but I suggest you just shut the hell up instead.

2. Don’t be catty.  OK, so I’m the first to admit that women can be pretty harsh on other women on occasion BUT that doesn’t mean I can’t have a legitimate problem with another woman.  And because I might have a legitimate problem with another woman doesn’t necessarily mean I’m being catty.  And for the love of God, quit adding in the “rawr” after you say we’re being catty.  I know it’s your fantasy to see two women rip off each other’s clothes and pull hair, but that only happens in cheap porn or the Jerry Springer Show.

3. Settle down. What, you don’t like it when we get upset? Too bad.  I’ll remind you that women aren’t the only sex prone to meltdowns.  Sometimes we have a legitimate reason to go cray cray on your ass.  And if that’s the case, settle down is the last things you should say.  It’s dismissive and unless you are my dad, you shouldn’t say it.

4. You could lose a few pounds. Yeah, maybe I added a few pounds after the holidays, but unless you are sporting a 6-pack, and I don’t mean the Bud Light type, these words should never cross your lips.  On the other hand, if you resemble Channing Tatum from Magic Mike, your girl should be foregoing carbs for the rest of her life.

5. That’s not how my mom does it. Oh really? Well alrighty then.  Next time you should totally call your mommy to do that for you.  Since she does it better and all.

6. Anything invoking your ex’s name. Look, we know you had a life before us.  Doesn’t mean we want to be reminded of it.  And for the love of God and all that is good, don’t ever, ever compare us to HER.  Unless of course, you want another ex.

7. The C Word.  Want to end your relationship in one easy step? Use the C word. She might not leave you the day you say it but just know when you uttered that word, you ended it.  One day you’ll come home from work and all your shit will be gone.  And honestly, if you only lose all your household goods, you should consider yourself lucky.

8. If you don’t like it, get out.  Unless you really want her to get out…because she just may very well take you up on that.  Again, might not happen the day you say it, but she’ll never forget you said it, and one day you’ll come home to an empty house.  It’ll probably be the week before her period, so I hope you’re keeping track on a spreadsheet or something.

Ladies, have anything to add to The List?

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