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Are You in a Miserable State?

March 11, 2014

WVSo I was perusing The Yahoo today and one of the articles caught my eye. It was titled “The Nation’s Most Miserable States” so you know I had to read it.  I wanted to see if my state made the list and, just in case I decided to relocate on a whim, I wanted to make sure I didn’t move to any of the others that might have ranked in the top ten.

Not surprisingly, my state DID make the list.  We’re Number 5, which coincidentally happens to be my favorite number.  So I’m really torn…I’m glad that we we’re Number 5 because it’s my favorite number (yay!), but I’m sad we made the top 10 in the list of miserable states (boo!).

What I did find surprising was that Louisana came in at Number 10.  I hear tell they have drive-thru daiquiri stands down there. How can that be miserable?! Sounds like heaven to me.  Plus, it’s the south and always warm and there’s an ocean nearby.  Granted, they have hurricanes that wipe out creation every now and then, but still, they have basically what’s equivalent to a drive-thru bar down there.  So even if you’re miserable, all you have to do is take a drive to the nearest daiquiri stand.  Whoever wrote this list must be in AA.

Coming in at Number 9, we have Oklahoma.  Now this I can’t disagree with, other than I’m surprised it wasn’t ranked higher in the list.  I can’t think of one thing that sounds appealing about Oklahoma.  I don’t even like their college mascot for cryin’ out loud.  What the hell is a Sooner anyways? Plus, they’re in the shadow of Texas…it’s kinda like being Jan instead of Marsha.  Sorry, Oklahoma.

Missouri wins the Number 8 position.  I will be the first to admit I know not one thing about Missouri, other than Mizzou, and I only know that because I have a kid who is the Rain Man of Sports.  Maybe that’s why they’re miserable. Oh wait, maybe they have an arch of some sorts, which again is the Jan to the Marsha of the golden arches of Mickey D’s.  No wonder America is going to hell.

And for Number 7 we have…Tennessee. Wait, what?! I used to live in Tennessee and I absolutely loved it.  It’s the home of my alma mater, the Austin Peay State University (Let’s Go Peay!) And yes, that is pronounced “pee” so just shut your mouth with all the stupid ass pee comments.  I know it’s not a motivating cheer, but it’s my college cheer so bite my ass.  And maybe it’s changed, but when I lived there, there was no state income tax.  What’s not to love about Tennessee? I don’t get it.  Great place to live.  If they had an ocean, I’d totally move back.

Arkansas comes in at Number 6.  I imagine it’s miserable to live there because it’s spelled nothing like it sounds.  That has to be a huge bummer in every day life.  Again, I’m sorry, I know nothing about Arkansas other than Bill Clinton came from here, so it can’t be all that bad.  Right?

Rounding out the middle we have OH-IO. Woohoo! Go Bucks!  We made the list because we’re angry.  So what. You got a problem with that? Go fuck yourself, random over-paid stupid list writer.  You better hope I don’t end up behind you on I-71.  Just sayin.’

Number 4 is Alabama.  I’m not sure what they have to be miserable about.  It’s the south, it’s warm, they have good food, they seem to enjoy their football, and they  have a cute nickname (Bama!). Maybe they have right to be upset that Florida hogged all but one teeny tiny portion of their beachfront property. I dunno.  Other than that, I’m at a loss.

Mississippi is Number 3, and like their counterpart Alabama, some other damn state stole a good bit of their beachfront property, but in return they got a cutesy song for kids to learn how to spell their name. And everyone uses their state to count shit out…One Mississippi, Two Mississippi… So really, Mississippi, why you so sad? Drive over to Louisiana and have a daiquiri or five, for crying out loud.

Number 2 is Kentucky. Kentuckians made the list because they are the unhealthiest in the nation.  They like to smoke and drink and take prescription pills.  I thought these things made one happy. I, on the other hand, think Kentucky is a lovely state.  It’s just a short drive from my house where one can buy Everclear, cheap cigs, and prescription diet pills on the sly. Road trip to Kentucky, anyone?

And the Number 1 miserable state in the nation…drum roll please…is West Virginia! John Denver just rolled in his grave. Almost Heaven West Virginia is the most miserable state in the nation. Apparently, our angry list writer was from Ohio and had never visited Detroit or Needles, Arizona.  Let me tell ya, once my car A/C broke in Needles, Arizona in July and I have NEVER been MORE miserable in my entire life.  Well except for the year I lived in Barstow, California.  I’ve been through West Virginia many a time (usually on my way to the Redneck Riveria – Myrtle Beach) and let me tell ya, I’ve got no problem with The WV.  Their state capitol building has the most beautiful sparkly, golden majestic top that makes you think you should be hearing angels singing on high as you glance over as you speed by on I-64.  Trust me, I’ve almost run into a few concrete walls rubber-necking at its beauty as I pass through Charleston.  The study cited reports that West Virginians had the least confidence in the US economy than any other state and greatest rates of high blood pressure.  That’s probably because they work their asses off to put food on the table while watching the fat cats in Washington dilly dally around with policies that could change things for the positive for The WV.

No wonder their BP is high. Mine is too, now.  Think I’ll go have a drink, pop some Rx pills, smoke a few, and eat some fried chicken. Jeebus.

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