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The Proper Use and Care of Vodka

August 5, 2014

Doesn't that look refreshing?

Doesn’t that look refreshing?

So as I was perusing The Yahoo recently, I ran across an article purporting some unexpected and awesome hacks for vodka. Being the connoisseur that I am, natch I had to watch the little video. I was expecting to see seven new cocktail recipes or something to that effect. Boy, was I disappointed.

First, I just detest the use of the word “hack” in place of “hint”. Maybe it’s because I grew up in the era when Heloise’s Helpful Hints was all the rage. To me “hack” suggests you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing, you know, like hacking into someone’s bank account and embezzling funds or breaking into a Facebook account to snoop around. I dunno, maybe it’s just me.

Anyhoo, back to my disappointment over the obvious misuse of vodka around the house, the first of which was to clean dirty eyeglasses. Unless you’re drinking the cheap, watered down vodka they sell at The Krogers, I think it would be way cheaper to just use some regular old rubbing alcohol. Or spit. It’s free. You can also rinse your razor blade to keep it from rusting. You know, all two of you who don’t use disposable razors anymore. Vodka can also be used to make an ice pack flexible. However, if you get hurt, actually drinking the vodka might be a better use of your resources. Just sayin’.

Vodka just isn’t good for cleaning purposes, either folks. Apparently it can also be used a facial toner or added to shampoo to make your hair shiny. Again, I think unless you have vodka that’s not fit to drink, then by all means, rub it on your face and hair. For me, it would be more cost efficient to actually buy toner and shiny hair stuff because I don’t drink cheap vodka.   The article also suggested vodka is great at eliminating foot odor. You know what else is great for that? Bathing.

Lastly, you can extend the life of cut flowers by adding vodka to the water in the vase. The flowers will be buzzed and you will not. Personally, I’d rather have a fine bottle of vodka than a bunch of flowers, but to each her own.

If Yahoo had asked me to write that article, I would have said the best seven uses for vodka are as follows:

1. Cosmopolitan

2. Flirtini

3. Chocolate Martini

4. Dirty Martini

5. Lemon Drop

6. Vodka and Cranberry

7. Vodka and 7 Up, with or without a splash of cranberry

After using vodka my preferred seven ways, you wouldn’t care if your eyeglasses were dirty, your hair and skin were dull, and your feet were stinky. But wash your damn feet anyway.

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