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We’re All Going to Die from The Ebola!

October 16, 2014


(Not Really. But it got your attention, right? Forgive me? Love you, you’re my favorite.)


A few years ago, I quit watching the news. Mostly because it’s so fucking depressing, I just couldn’t handle it anymore. They never talk about happy or nice stuff, and I figured I have enough sad stuff in my life, there’s no need to add to it. So, when a natural disaster is headed my way, I’m the last to know. It’s a chance I take. They say ignorance is bliss. And, I believe, they (whoever the hell THEY are) are right.

However, this last week my boss happened to be on vacay, and since I’m new and stuff, I don’t have vacay. So I may or may not have looked at and Facebook (on my phone) during the day and saw that the whole world is decrying the fact that we’re all going to die from The Ebola.

This, my friends, is not a time to rely on fact. Let’s throw that to the wind! We’re all dying! From The Ebola. I’ve largely tried to ignore the hysteria on Facebook. Mostly because I do not have the energy to go about my daily life and, in addition, dispel the myths and calm the fears of my eleventy hundred friends. I’m trying to get my other friend Fleetwood Mac tix, and of all the people I know, she really deserves a good concert. Matter of fact, we all deserve a really good concert if we’re all going to DIE from The Ebola. But I guess that’s probably beside the point.

Anyhoo, unless Chris Brown is correct (and when has that EVER happened), there’s a huge conspiracy to wipe out half the population of the world. My personal opinion is that we all need to CALM the FUCK down. At this point in time, Taylor Swift has written more break-up songs than people in the U.S. have died from The Ebola.

Just yesterday my local news, in Podunk Ohio, reported that a person was being tested for The Ebola. Because she met someone from Texas who appeared to be sick. And now she felt sick. After the big report, it then came out that she tested negative for The Ebola. Shocking, I know. Because the media is about 90% of the problem right now. And now everyone in Podunk who feels the slightest bit under the weather probably has The Ebola. Because someone who visited Ohio, albeit three hours from here, had The Ebola. So now we’re all going to die.

Sweet Cheezus on a toasted Ritz Cracker. Right now, I don’t give a fuck about The Ebola. Call me nuts, but I just got a letter telling me my kids’ school was infested with bed bugs, fleas, and lice. I’m too busy burning my mattresses and spraying my kids with pesticide to worry about coming in contact with the BLOOD, URINE, FECES, or VOMIT of the two people who were confirmed to have The Ebola in the United States. Call me short sided, if you will. You won’t be the first.

In the meantime, I’m going back to relying on People Magazine and TMZ for my main sources of news. As much as I hate to admit it, I miss the days of updates on what Kim K’s ass is up to nowadays. Unless of course, she’s got a bad case of Ass Ebola. Then we’re all fucked.

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