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Helle’s Helle-pful Hints for a Happy Holiday

December 16, 2014

christmas martiniAt some point today, I stumbled upon a list of tips to help one through the stressful holidays. I don’t know how much stock I’d put into this because I found it on (don’t judge) and it was surrounded by another article that was asking if you should take a first date selfie (Um, NO!) and if it was ever OK to be naked in front of your kids (only when you fall in the shower and can’t get up).

Of course, you know I read the freaking article because I had a few minutes to spare and I know you’ll be shocked, but I have some things to add to said article. Not that you should listen to me because it’s apparent I’m no expert on anything other than how to screw up your life royally, but hey once you’ve screwed up your life royally, I can certainly tell you how to live it up to the max! So hang onto to your horses, here we go! (BTW, here’s the article for reference ).

CNN article says Manage Your Visit. Helle says: YES! Absolutely manage your visit. As a matter of fact, I think you should manage your visit to coincide with St. Patrick’s Day, and just stay home for Christmas. You’ve been running around like a crazy person for that last several weeks, treat yourself to a stress-free day that includes Bailey’s in your coffee, mimosas for brunch, and hot toddy’s around a fireplace in the evening. You’ve endured enough stress making sure everyone received the perfect present. Now’s the time to sit back, rest on your laurels, and pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

CNN article says Break Free of Roles. Helle says: Agreed! Your family thinks you’re the black sheep? No problem, roll up on Christmas morn like the Wolf of Wall Street. Ha! Just kidding. Who the fuck is this person? They apparently never took a psych class. If your family labels you the black sheep, that’s who you are until you die. Not that I know from personal experience or anything… Bottom line is, you can only change your perception of things. You can decide your husband’s mother is not your monster-in-law, but you can’t make her think you are the Queen of Sheba. That’s just the way shit rolls… always downhill… and you can’t fight gravity.

CNN article says Practice Appreciation. Helle says: Right on! Find those simple ways that when your kids are pissed that they didn’t get everything they wanted that they still love you for trying to make their Christmas a great one. That half-hearted thank-you means they really love you with all their heart and truly appreciate the effort you put forth to get that one thing they wanted more than anything on this earth, no matter how you scoured eleventy-hundred stores but still didn’t get every last thing on their wish list. I know as a parent, you’ll appreciate that and that will make Christmas less stressful.

In addition to those expert tips, I suggest the following:

  1. Have a keyword. Every time someone says the keyword, take a nip off the flask in your purse. This will make you like everyone a little more than you do sans nip of the flask.
  1. Quit worrying about the gift. You bought something you thought they’d like. If they don’t, just say to yourself, “I wanted you to have something you like, but I got you this. I love you.  Be happy.” (Or go fuck yourself).
  1. Is that why you aren’t going to wake up in the morning? One of my wise friends recently said this to me, and it’s been my mantra lately. Every time something doesn’t go right, I ask myself this question. If it doesn’t apply, I let shit roll off my back. I’ve found this is quite useful in traffic, but it applies to every aspect of life once you put some thought to it. Truthfully, I’ve been a different person since this was brought to my attention. It applies to the holidays, as well as every freaking day you put feet to the floor. Seriously, think about it. You’re welcome.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Festivus, Merry Ramadan, Yuletide Greetings for All… Have a Freaking Happy December Kiddos.



2 Comments leave one →
  1. December 6, 2016 10:40 pm

    (Sigh.) Thank you for the best damn thing I’ve read in a while. A long while. Mostly, stuff is crap. You’re pieces are great, however, and I feel we may be related on some weird intellectual, peri-menopausal, cosmic realm. Merry Everything to you.

    • December 7, 2016 8:43 am

      Thank you so much! And Merry Everything to you!!

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