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A New Math Problem: Let’s 86 These 7 Things in ’15

December 22, 2014

The hair is fantastic...the pajama pants not so much.

The hair is fantastic…the pajama pants not so much.

It’s that time again, kiddos! With this year winding down, it’s time for my 3rd annual list of things I’d like to see go away in the New Year. I always have fun writing this one, and I hope you like reading it too. And if you really like me, you’ll tell your friends to stop doing these things and we’ll all be happier, which in turn will make this world a nicer place to live. It’s my little contribution to humanity . . .

  1. Hack. If you’ve spent any time with me, you know that I LOATHE hearing this word in reference to something that is supposed to make life easier. When did we start doing this? When I hear the word hack, I think of someone hacking into your bank account and stealing all your money. Or hacking your iCloud and stealing all your nude selfies. Hack = bad stuff. Tips that make life easier = good stuff. Let’s stop calling these awesome time saving tips “hacks.” It’s not even a pretty word; it has a negative connotation. There are eleventy-hundred words in the English language; can we pretty please with sugar on top find a better one to use?
  1. Driving under the speed limit. This is really becoming a huge problem for me, especially on the morning drive to work. There are a couple of places I have to travel to regularly that don’t allow for passing slow drivers. Since I started working on finding my Zen, I can deal with a little bit of dickhead driving, but geez Louise, if you can’t drive 35 MPH, then you probably shouldn’t be on the road. And even worse than not going the speed limit is not going the speed limit in the left hand lane. That lane is reserved for those of us who drive above the speed limit. In other words, if you can’t drive at least 55, get the hell over. Namaste, dickheads.
  1. Gwyneth Paltrow. So if you read me regularly you know how I feel about this little gem of a human being (if you don’t, click on read me). I can imagine it must be hard to grasp the concept of reality when you grew up with a diamond encrusted platinum spoon in your mouth, but for the love of God and all that’s good, can she just consciously uncouple herself from the human race? Her website is THE most pretentious thing on the Internet. Recipes containing sea urchins?! Monogrammed panties for $75?! That’s just cray. And she thinks it would be so much easier to just be a “regular” working mom. For that, she can bite my regular, non-monogrammed panty covered ass.
  1. Passive Aggression. Trust me, I get that we live in stressful times and sometimes you just feel angry and you need to release it. Totally get that! But do me a favor and own your angry when it happens. It’s a normal emotion and there’s nothing wrong with being angry. Personally, I’d rather deal with a screaming crazy person than a passive-aggressive cock monkey. Say what you mean, damn it! Don’t mask it in sarcasm, sullenness, and bitchy comments. Oh wait… I may need to rethink this one…
  1. Pajama pants in public. Yes they are comfy and cozy and if I didn’t have a job, I would wear them all day, every day. Lovelovelove some fleecy, funky pajama pants. The ones I’m wearing right now have black and white jail stripes and rubber duckies. But alas, I am in my home right now, enjoying an adult beverage while I write this, and not at court or doing shopping at The Wal-marts. If you wanna be comfy while doing those sorts of things in public, buy some friggin’ sweatpants, or at the very least, some pajama jeans.  On a somewhat related note, you shouldn’t wear yoga pants unless you are actually at yoga and/or only weigh a buck o’ five.
  1. Anything Kardashian related. WHY are these people famous and why isn’t their 15 minutes over yet? I mourn the fact that our society has fallen to the new low of only requiring someone have lots of money and a big ass to be famous. Matter of fact, you don’t even have to have the lots of money part to be famous anymore (i.e. Honey Boo Boo’s mom). I don’t give a rat’s ass about Kim or her big, dumb ass (and I’m not talking about Kanye), or the other sister who keeps having babies by the club-hopping loser. And what the hell is going on with Bruce Jenner? He’s scaring me. If he doesn’t stop the plastic surgery, he’s going to end up looking like Michael Jackson reincarnated.
  1. The Two Lane Drive Thru at McDonalds. This certainly is not working for me. I’ve talked about it at length, and it seems to be one of the most popular posts I’ve written, so I felt it deserved another mention. My Mickey D’s did finally put up some cones, but that hasn’t stopped the McAsshat shenanigans in the drive thru. Just the other day, someone cut the line (through the cones!) and then that same douche stick didn’t even have the common courtesy to let me out of the inside order lane into the I gotta pay line. NEVER pick the inside lane! It’s an invariable wasteland of hangry people. Just ask the manager at my McDonald’s, because I called her one day from the drive thru lane to tell her so. Note to self: I need to start packing my lunch.

I think I’ll end on lucky number 7 this year. But that doesn’t mean you can’t add to the list! Let’s hear what you want to abolish in 2015. In the meantime, I hope all your dreams and wishes come true in the New Year. Happy 2015, Loves.


P.S. A friend of mine requested that I reiterate that we still hate the hashtag and YOLO. Because apparently, none of ya’s are listening to me on the things that needed to go away in 2014 and those things are still really bothering her. You’re welcome, Heineken.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. December 22, 2014 8:32 pm

    Racism and terrorism, but first, can we get rid of those ridiculous Amish beards that otherwise attractive guys are growing? Pretty sure they smell like pubic hair dipped in soup.

    • December 22, 2014 9:13 pm

      Definitely, we should rid ourselves of racism and terrorism. But I kinda like the beards. However, your comment “pretty sure they smell like pubic hair dipped in soup” is priceless. Wish I had come up with that! Bravo!

  2. Dusty permalink
    December 23, 2014 3:09 pm

    Dugger (ok. Brady Bunch for anyone over 45) Days at Kroger’s. I understand at times a parent must take their children to the grocery with them, but when the whole FAMN DAMILY is there blocking aisles it is a pain in the ass. Do you really think little Bobby and Susie want to watch mommy and daddy pick out the groceries? BTW – One or two kids I understand but I had the privilege being trapped by the Brady Bunch (including Alice) the other day..not fun…

  3. Dusty permalink
    December 23, 2014 3:12 pm

    Break up and Make up junkies…if your relationship is like the directions on a shampoo bottle (break up , make up, repeat) then do us all a favor and end it. How many small children do you actually know that will put their hands on a hot stove and say that hurts and go back an do it again…sorry same logic applies. Get it together or move on…

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