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Love is Torture: Creepy Valentines Part Deux

February 13, 2015

I’ve been getting quite a few hits this week on a post I did last year about creepy vintage Valentine’s cards.  So, I decided to give it a swing again this year.  I’ve found that vintage Valentine’s are just full of hints of cannibalism, threats of violence, and phallic symbols.  So, if today’s modern cards just aren’t capturing the essence of the love your little black heart feels, then maybe you should look for your card on eBay instead of at the Hallmarks. And if you get put on the Homeland Security’s watch list, don’t come crying to me.

creepy-cupid

This is Danny, aka Creepy Cupid.  He’s widely famed for his deeds, which is just a fancy way of saying he hangs outside unsuspecting people’s bedroom windows whilst being half-naked, wearing a mask, and armed with a gun, awaiting his prey.  His pic also happens to be on a wanted poster at the post office.  This might be a good time to check on your Grandma.

skin-condition

Well, I guess they don’t call it VD for nothing.  If you get this from your Valentine, you should probably head to the clinic for your penicillin shot. And then notify all your other Valentines to do the same.

clever

This is Jeffrey, and he’s planned a special V Day dinner just for you!  Umm, unless your lover really is a butcher at your local Kroger and you’re absolutely sure that’s beef, I’d run.  You might end up being next year’s V Day dinner. Just sayin’.

sunk

Nothing says “I love you” more than emotional blackmail delivered by a suicidal skunk.  If you don’t love him back, he’ll show you! He’ll shoot himself in the head and for good measure, drown himself too!  How romantic.  And disturbing. Love shouldn’t involve 911 or the Crisis Help Line.

weirdo snowman

Is anyone besides me wondering why this little child is outside in the middle of February, half naked, with her hands and face in a peculiar area?  And why is that snowman smiling? Looks like there’s about 7 different felonies happening with this snow job.

knife

And people are upset with a little bondage nowadays. Back in the day, you’d get cut up if you didn’t want to be someone’s Valentine. See, people have been shopping at the hardware store for that perfect Valentine’s Day gift for 100’s of years.  Don’t you people understand – love IS torture!

gun

THIS IS JUST LIKE FERGUSON!  Oh, wait, wrong blog…

bull

Happy Valentine’s Day! And that’s no bullshit! Well actually, it is.  I think it’s also a misdemeanor.

hammer

This is from your lover, who’s been convicted of domestic violence.  He’s not allowed to possess guns or knives anymore.  So instead, he’ll just use a hammer to bash in that pretty little head of yours to show you how much he really loves you.

satan

Wait, is that Dave Navarro or Satan?

naughtyboy

Oooh la la. I have no idea what she’s saying, but it looks like she’s aiming for 50 shades of red. Perhaps, that’s Christian Grey’s great-great-grand-daddy.  Boy, that would explain a lot…

banana

Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Happy Valentine’s Day kiddos. Here’s to hoping you make it through another year without getting stalked, eaten, stabbed, spanked (unless you like that), or shot. And remember, if you get a rash, get that shit checked out.

xoxo~Helle

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One Comment leave one →
  1. You're so angry! permalink
    February 13, 2015 9:02 pm

    No, it’s not a banana. I happy to see you!

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