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The Best that Never Was: Helle’s Top Ten that Never Saw the Light of Day

February 24, 2015

bitchI’ve really wanted to write, but I’ve been lacking inspiration. Nothing funny has happened to me lately, and I haven’t been able to twist the crappy stuff into something funny. I could quite possibly turn it into an “Isn’t It Ironic” Alanis Morrisette-esque redux, but I decided the pending court case might be hurt by that. So… I was perusing my notes in my trusty blogging journal and I found a bunch of possible inspirations.

Most of these are notes scribbled whilst enjoying a few cocktails (cocktails increase my funny factor by about eleventy) or during the midst of the workday when I don’t have time to elaborate. So, in times like these, when I look back at those notes to try and write the actual blog, I have no fucking clue what in the sam-hill I was thinking when I jotted the note down.

Since I am unable to write a single cohesive piece from any of these notes, I decided to invite you into the dark spaces inhabiting my mind. Maybe you can figure out what the hell I was thinking. Or maybe you’re a doc and can send me an Rx to fix it. And if you’re an attorney or law enforcement official, just keep a-moving along to the next blog, thankyouverymuch.

So, kiddos, fasten your seatbelts, you’re in for a bumpy ride. Here’s Helle’s Top 10 Ideas that Never Turned into Blog

  1. Ray Hagins – Whoop Somebody’s Ass. Oh, I know exactly what I was thinking when I wrote this down. However, I work in the legal field and I am fully aware of the repercussions of putting these things in print. So just listen and enjoy. And if you feel the need to hum, well then, just hum away. Humming is free. Bail is not.
  1. Guys liking/sharing boob pics on Facebook. Maybe guys aren’t aware that ALL of their friends get notified when they like some hot chick’s half-naked pic on Facebook. I see lots of photos on Facebook that I like. However, I don’t always click the like button. When I see one of my guy Facebook friends has liked/shared one-hundred-fifty-three photos of half-naked women, I can only conclude that he’s a pig. A lonely pig. Who will continue to be lonely pig, until he dies, undoubtedly, in front of his computer with his hand wrapped around his… bacon.
  1. Di – scissors – chin hair. Di was a former co-worker. I must have caught her cutting her chin hair with scissors, and apparently, I found it so hilarious that I was going to write about it. Question is, what in the hell I was actually going to write. I dunno. Maybe Di can give us some input.
  1. Raccoon in garage. This thing is frightening! It makes noises at me, it’s huge, and it may have made me piss my pants. Other than that, I don’t know.
  2. Facebook Quizzes. What kind of wife are you? (Failed). What color is your mind? (Dark, I told you that at the beginning!). Which Dirty Dancing character are you? (Doesn’t everyone secretly want to be Baby?). What candy is your soul mate? (Lindt Truffles). Which TV mom are you? (I’m a combination of Roseanne, Lynette from Desperate Housewives, and Frankie from The Middle, but I really wanted the answer to be June Clever). What kind of human are you? (An empathetic angry bitch – that’s in the DSM-5, right?). What state should you live in? (One in which it does not fucking snow for months on end). What two words describe you? (Already covered in the What Kind of Human are You Quiz + an extra word). Maybe I need a quiz on why I’m taking quizzes to which I already know the answers. By the way, I’m crediting myself 10 extra quiz points for not ending that last sentence in a preposition, which I might add was quite the chore.
  1. Gracie (my daughter) called me saucy. Other than the fact that I am indeed saucy, I got nothing. I don’t know what prompted her to call me saucy, but I’d say she’s accurate. I’m frequently saucy, and I must have been especially saucy that night. Who knows. I don’t.
  1. Bathroom Air Fresheners Shouldn’t Smell like Food. Scents not good for the bathroom: apple cinnamon, pumpkin spice, vanilla, citrus. Scents good for the bathroom: linen, powder, lavender. Apparently, I don’t like walking into the bathroom and smelling dessert. It ruins the mood. And dessert.
  1. Melatonin Dreams. Don’t ask. There’s a reason I never wrote this one. If you can’t sleep, for the love of God, and all that’s good, drink some wine or take some Benadryl. Jeebus. I’m still scarred.
  1. Swagger and Summer’s Eve. It’s documented that I hate the word swagger and I am completely firm in my stance that this commercial makes me say WTF.  Maybe I’m wrong, but I equate that word with LeBron James, thanks to the media. So, whatever, Hail to the V, Bron-Bron!
  1. See You Next Tuesday. If you aren’t aware of the acronym this saying represents, then you need to familiarize yourself with Urban Again, I’m sure I had a particular person in mind with this reference, but my lady-like (ahem) tendencies prevent me from exposing all the nasty details. If the acronym fits, I’m sure you’ll recognize yourself.

So, there you have it – the best of Helle that was never written. If you haven’t heard from me in a week, and I’m not responding to texts, please come to the Ross County Jail with $1,079.00 in cold, hard cash. Promise I’ll pay you back.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. You're so angry! permalink
    February 24, 2015 10:51 pm

    I literally died laughing when I read that!

  2. peopledonteatenoughfudge permalink
    March 4, 2015 4:24 pm

    Saw a link over on Angela’s blog and so popped over. I love this idea, I apparently have 404 post in draft and they can’t all be crap so there must be some fodder in that lot. I text stuff to myself like Faux Mo Throw and tomato leprechaun as prompts for blog posts and then don’t know what the hell I was talking about. Funnily enough my last post was an FB quiz ‘What’s Your Sheep Name’ – I was confidently waiting for it to go viral and no one commented for 6 hours!

    • March 5, 2015 12:29 pm

      Thanks for reading! Now get busy writing yours 😉

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