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Seven Things Your Mom DOESN’T Want for Mother’s Day (And a few things she does want)

May 6, 2015

mother's dayA couple of years ago, I wrote about some do’s and don’ts of buying Mother’s Day gifts. As I was sitting on the front porch on this glorious Wednesday before Mother’s Day, I figured there were, more than likely, a few wayward souls who still haven’t found that perfect gift to honor the most important person in their world. I’m kind enough to offer my expertise to help you out.

Now I still stand by everything I previously wrote, so I guess you could just save yourself some time, read that other post, and get your ass to shopping. I mean there will be some overlap, because frankly, I’m a pretty good judge on the things moms really want but would never, ever dream of saying out loud. Or you could procrastinate and read this post before shopping. Entirely up to you – no pressure.

So here are the things your mother does NOT want for Mother’s Day, along with a suggested thing she probably does want and will never tell you she wants.

  1. Anything from Bath & Body Works. Your mom does not want shower gel, lotion, or body spray. But she loves B&BW, you say! So what? I love Sharpie pens, doesn’t mean I want one for Mother’s Day. Whenever I need a new Sharpie pen, I go buy one. The same can be said for lotion, shower gel, and body spray. Alternate gift – A Michael Kors handbag. Every mom needs one.
  1. Mom Jewelry. She knows she’s your mother. She doesn’t need a bracelet or necklace spouting out the fact that she’s a mother. What she needs is a piece of bling that makes her feel sexy. Something that will make her the envy of the office (or grocery store). If you’re going to buy jewelry, go big or go home. Alternate gift – a big, sparkly tiara. Every woman secretly wants to be the Queen. If you buy her a big crown, she can be the Queen anytime she wants – at home, at the grocery store, at the BMV. And if you have some extra cash, spring for a feathery boa, too.
  1. Appliances. Your mom is tired of hand washing dishes and you’re thinking about getting her a dishwasher. Great! Go ahead and get her one. Just not for Mother’s Day. Get it on a random Tuesday, because you love her. You’ll be the best kid ever. Get it on Mother’s Day, and you’re just reminding her that she’s your unpaid servant. Alternate gift – a gift basket full of fine libations and Godiva chocolates, after which consuming, she’ll forget all about that sink full of dishes.
  1. Exercise equipment. So you think your mom is fat? Because that’s what she’ll think when you surprise her with a treadmill on Mother’s Day. You might as well kiss clean britches away for the next year. Alternate gift – a cute little puppy. That she’ll be walking in the park daily… aha… see what I did there? It’s all about creativity, people.
  1. Dinner at Applebee’s. Yeah, mom’s idea of a relaxing evening out honoring her sacrifices should never occur at a faux sports bar with eleventy hundred TV’s blaring so you won’t miss a game. I don’t care how good that damn Blondie is. There aren’t enough Perfect Margaritas in this world to make that right. Alternate gift – arrange for a nice brunch at the best restaurant in your town. Gather a few of her friends (this is where you and your friends can collaborate on the Mother’s Day gift), drop them off for brunch and cocktails, then pick them back up so they don’t get a DUI on the way home. If you have extra cash, spring for a mani/pedi afterwards.
  1. The Family Cook-out. Aww, ain’t that sweet. You want to invite the whole family over and cook out some hamburger and hot dogs with a side of store-bought potato salad. Nothing says love like the Kroger deli. Don’t forget to swing for the pre-made “Best Mom Ever” cake from the bakery. And for the love of God, use paper plates, so she doesn’t have to clean up after your mess. Alternate gift – concert tickets. Send your mom to go see her favorite band live! Oh, KC and the Sunshine Band isn’t playing a venue near you? No worries, get on the Goggle and search up disco band concerts. You’ll find something. It’s a night away from you, she’ll love it.
  1. Homemade Coupons for Chores. Unless you are 10 years-old or younger, you’ve just committed the most gravest sin of Mother’s Day gift giving. Who are you trying to kid, kid? You know damn well you are never going to do what your coupon claims you will. This is pretty much equivalent to admitting you are the worst child on the planet. Not only are you too cheap to get your mother a gift, you’re going to tease her with the fact that you pretended to get her a gift that you’re never going to fulfill. Shame on you. Alternate gift – send your mother on a weekend Colorado pot tour so she can forget about how terrible her kids are.

As for me, I’m just going to sit back and read my hate mail while wearing my mom jewelry, have a few PBR’s, smelling like a moonlit path, and maybe enjoying a hot dog or two.*

Happy Mother’s Day, y’all. xoxo~Helle


*It’s a joke. Relax.  And by the way, did I actually make it through a post without dropping the F-bomb?  Yay!

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