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The REALITY is We’re Doomed

June 16, 2015

Donald_Trump_hairGod, I love America! We are the home of the free and the brave. This is where you come when you want all of your dreams to come true. All you need is some bootstraps to pull up and some God damned determination! Of course, it doesn’t hurt if you have some sort of minority status and/or a bunch of dollars to throw around. And if you have both, well you’ll hit the proverbial lottery. (Now one of these days, I’m going to invent a sarcasm font so it’s clear when I’m being facetious, so don’t steal my idea. In the meantime, you’ll have to just go with your gut.) Is it just me or is America turning into a reality show?

Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s great that Bruce Jenner was finally able to tell the world he’s really a woman. He spent 65 years living the life society dictated that he should live. It takes some guts to make that kind of transformation, especially when you’re considered an American icon. Good for him, I say. We should all strive to live as our authentic selves. But the media has to go and make a spectacle of it all… ratings and such… Plus, I have to say that I’m just a tad bit perturbed that Caitlyn, who is approximately 22 years my senior, looks way better than I ever did as a natural born woman.

And then we have this Rachel Dolezal chick. She’s just as white as white chicks come looking at her childhood photos. Blond hair, blue eyes, freckles… Yet she’s transformed herself into a stunning black woman and rose to lead the Spokane NAACP. I’d really like to get the name of her stylist, because that is some amazing work, I might add. She says she identifies with being black. Hell, I get that. I identify with being an independently wealthy really old white man with a terrible comb-over, but that’s a lot harder to fake.

Which brings me to Donald Trump. I know he’s been around since dinosaurs roamed the Earth, but I’ve been familiar with him because of his reality show — Celebrity Apprentice. Yes, he has more money than God and he owns the Trump Tower. And he wants to be our president. The President of the United States of America. The POTUS. The leader of the free world.

But I just can’t get over the fact that this is the same man who was totally pulling for Geraldo Rivera to win the latest season of his stupid reality show. I mean for fuck’s sake, Geraldo?!?! Trump had a (possibly one-sided) bromance with the king of really bad talk shows. You know, the same guy that was going to unearth the secret vaults of Al Capone. That guy who got his nose busted with a chair by a white supremacist on national TV. The guy who took a selfie of his half-naked 70-year-old body and posted it on the Interwebz. Yeah, that guy. Donald Trump loves Geraldo Rivera.   And you know who will become Secretary of State if you vote for Donald Trump? Geraldo Rivera.

I do love this country, but Cheezus H. Triscuit, we are turning into one big reality show. Which makes total and absolute sense, because we just can’t tear ourselves away from the train wreck of shows littering the cable landscape today. That’s all fun for some entertainment on a Tuesday night, but is this really what we want our future to be?

Think about it. Trump is Prez. Geraldo is Secretary of State. Kim Kardashian is Surgeon General (because who’s had more surgery than her since Joan Rivers died). I don’t know who the Veep will be. We’ll probably have a 9-week summer reality show to vote on that.

After all, it would only be appropriate. ‘Merica!

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