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Let the Country Go to Helle: Vote for Me!

October 20, 2015

Helle in her natural habitat

Helle in her natural habitat

It may be a little late in the race, but I’ve decided I’m running for president. I figure if Donald Trump, this guy, and Deez Nuts can run, then why can’t I? I’m fairly certain I’m more qualified than two of those yahoos. I’ll let you guess which two. Hint – Donald Trump is one of them.

I know it’s important to have a solid platform when running for president and I guarantee mine is just that. For instance, I’ve decided that the one thing America is missing is the three-martini lunch. I don’t know about you, but I am way more productive after I’ve had a couple of drinks. Matter of fact, after three martinis, I can solve any problem thrown my way. Just ask my girlfriends. I routinely solve all the world’s ills on any given Saturday or Tuesday night.

Another thing America is missing is creativity. That’s why I’ll propose a four-day work week. I hereby declare that Fridays will be dedicated to being creative. All mundane work shall be halted on this day so that our citizens can engage in the creative arts. I’d also suggest you continue to have your three martini lunch on this day. I don’t know about you, but martinis make me more creative.

I’ll also propose that any activity that involves your body and your doctor is none of the country’s business. We don’t need to know if you have chronic diarrhea (I can never spell that word), who you’re having sex with or how frequently, or that your cholesterol is off the charts. We’ve been brainwashed into thinking we need insurance. My theory is that insurance is the whole damn problem with healthcare. I won’t require you to buy health insurance. Matter of fact, I think if we did away with mandatory insurance, health care costs would plummet because then doctors could actually charge a fee that would cover their costs and not inflate their costs in order to get what they need to cover their expenses. Instead of requiring you to buy insurance, I would give you a tax break when you pay for your medical expenses and devote a portion of your income into a health care account to cover those expenses. Oh and there will be a huge penalty to anyone using the damn ER for an ear infection. That ain’t no emergency. Listen up folks… before heading to the ER ask yourself, are you faced with the loss of life, limb, or eye? Yes? Go to the ER. No? Wait ‘til the morning and call your doc. Whew… don’t get me started.

In regards to immigration, I say if you’re in this country and you’re holding down a job and contributing positively to the economy and not breaking any laws, you can stay! I’m going to have to ask you to pay some income taxes, but that’s only fair. I have to pay taxes, so you should too. However, if you’re an American citizen not holding down a job, committing crimes, and draining the country of its resources, then I’m going to have to ask you to leave. It’s like Survivor. You’re voted off the country. I don’t really care where you go. If you can con Canada into taking you, that’s great. I hear the poutine is delicious.

And you know what? If you’re a law-abiding citizen then you can have a gun. Matter of fact, you can have a whole arsenal if you want. In my line of work, I’ve come to see that criminals will get their tools regardless of what laws our government enacts upon the control of said tools. Now, I don’t have the answer to stopping the criminals from getting their tools, but then again, I haven’t had enough martinis yet. I’ll get back to you on that. See, isn’t honesty from a politician refreshing?

Somewhat on the same line, I say legalize pot for everyone. When’s the last time you saw a pothead rob a bank? I’ll tell you when. Never. He may be thinking about robbing a bank, but after he got high, he raided his cabinets for snack foods and fell asleep on the couch while watching reruns of The Simpsons. The following morning, he has no memory of that idea and heads to work at the Walmarts. He’s not bugging you.

I also don’t like when our Congress sits around like a bunch of little stubborn kids butting heads over how things should be handled. I think they need a little lesson in cooperation. I’m going to break it down for them Sesame Street style. Every time they butt heads, I’m going to make them sit on a big comfy couch and hold hands until they can compromise. It’s what this country has needed for a long time – a good, stern mother to get things in order.

So there you go. When you head to the polls in November, vote for Helle.

P.S. This blog is tongue in cheek. Don’t get your panties all in a twist and start sending me political hate mail. That job doesn’t pay enough for me to take it. Cheers!

~xoxo Helle

 

 

 

 

 

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