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Ho Ho No: Interpreting the Dreaded Christmas Letter

December 6, 2015

christmas letterWell there is no denying it now; it’s officially the Christmas season. I’ve been trying to ignore the upcoming holiday since mid-October, when the retailers start putting out Christmas crap, people start decorating everything in thousands of tiny twinkle lights, and we are subjected to Santa Baby blaring ad nauseam on the radio. I’m not going to lie. I don’t particularly like Christmas, with the exception of the 1 ½ days I don’t have to work but still get paid.

One of the things I detest most about Christmas is that dreaded letter some people feel the need to send out bragging about all the great things their family did this year. I don’t get these anymore because I quit sending out Christmas cards about 7 years ago and I guess through the rule of reciprocity, I’ve dropped off all the lists I was previously on. So if you think this blog is about you, you are wrong. Any semblance of you in this piece is purely coincidental.

Now you know that nobody’s life is as great as they portray in the dreaded Christmas Letter. Yet, it always makes you feel a bit inferior. It’s a shame people even feel the need to do this to their friends. I guess the art of being humble died with The Cleaver Family. And quite frankly, with the advent of Facebook, we are all well aware of everything you and your family did this year, so the whole point of the Christmas Letter is now moot.

Anyhoo, I thought it would be fun to compose a fake Christmas Letter that would closely resemble what you might receive this year and then translate that into what really is going on with your Stepford Friends. Then you won’t feel so inferior, and hopefully we can have some laughs during this crazy, stressful time of year.

Dear Friends,

Dear anyone who will actually read my incessant boring drivel,

Wow! It’s so hard to believe 2015 is almost over! It’s been a crazy, busy year for the Jones Family, but as always we have been so blessed! We’ve decided to write this letter to share all our blessings with our beloved friends.

Nothing amazing really happened to us this year, but we are going to sugar coat the hell out of normal for you so that you will feel like your life sucks and you’ll try ten times harder next year to keep up with our amazing fake life.

First off, Bill and Jane celebrated their 25th anniversary of wedded bliss this summer. They enjoyed a romantic dinner where Bill presented Jane with a bouquet of roses and a present from her favorite jewelry store. They were hoping to take a second honeymoon to Hawaii, but with Bill’s demanding work schedule and the kids’ activities, there simply wasn’t any time! But next spring, they plan on a little exclusive trip to celebrate the occasion!

We are referring to ourselves in the third person because we think it makes us sound more important. We actually hate each other and barely speak to each other unless we need to figure out who is picking up the kids after practice. We went to dinner at B-Dubs. Bill watched Monday Night Football and I looked at Facebook on my phone. There were no roses and Bill gave me a heart bead for my Pandora bracelet. I think Bill is having an affair and the only trips I’m taking are to Kroger to buy groceries.

Stephen, our oldest child, is in his senior year of high school. In addition to being an honor student, he is also a star on the basketball team, and volunteers at the soup kitchen every weekend. Every week there are a ton of letters from colleges just pouring in begging him to choose them. He really wants to stay close to home but we are hoping he picks Harvard!

Stephen is barely passing his classes because he’s a pot head. He used to ride the bench in basketball, but now he’s off the team because juvenile court ordered him to do community service for that little traffic accident where the police officer found a joint in his car. He will be attending community college because no other institution of higher learning will accept him.

Susie just started her freshman year and is already making quite the mark on her high school. Our little beauty is a proud member of the dance team, yearbook committee, and she was chosen as the freshman attendant for the homecoming court. Bill has been joking that he’ll have to get a shot gun just to keep all the boys at bay! Shortly after homecoming, she donated 12 inches of her hair to Locks of Love. What a blessing this young lady is to our lives!

Our little Susie turned into a hoochie mama when she entered high school. She has become a YouTube twerking sensation, which led her fellow male classmates into voting her homecoming attendant. Now they are beating the door down in hopes of an easy score. Bill made her cut her hair in hopes that it would be a huge turn off to the young lads, but I don’t think it’s her hair that’s attracting the little twits.

Sean is finishing up his last year in junior high. We are just relishing the time our youngest child spends at home before he enters into high school. Jane and Sean routinely spend the weekends baking spectacular cakes and designing Halloween costumes for the family. In addition, Jane and Sean have cultivated quite the herb garden, so every meal is accentuated with fresh, homegrown goodness.

Sean never leaves the house. He has social anxiety and we are pretty sure he’s gay. Bill is horrified, but I’m thinking he’s our best bet at having a child with a normal marriage that will result in grandchildren. Plus, he makes a killer Chicken Divan.

 The Jones Family has had such a blessed year. We hope your family has experienced the same joy we’ve had! We can’t wait to see what the New Year holds for us all. We all wish you the Merriest of Christmases and the Happiest of New Years!

Our year was no more special than yours, but I really want you to be jealous of how great my life is. Next year I fully expect Bill will run off with his secretary, Stephen will end up in jail, Susie will make me a grandma, and Sean will probably stick his head in the oven right before the Chicken Divan is done. The highlight of my week is flirting with the bag boy at Kroger and if I weren’t worried about what all you assholes would say at the next PTO meeting, I’d totally do him.

 Much Love,

The Jones Family

Fuck Off,

Jane

 

 

 

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