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To Pee or Not to Pee: That is the Question

April 20, 2016

toiletMaybe it’s simply the fact that I’m getting old and my tolerance level for giving a shit about things has dropped to an all-time staggering low or Americans have become a bunch of whiny punk ass bitches, but this bathroom quandary has me left scratching my head. Either way, I’m so sick of hearing about it that I basically can’t look at the news or Facebook anymore.

Listen folks, this may be a news flash for many of y’all, but this transgendered thing didn’t just pop up when Bruce decided to become Caitlyn. This has been going on since the beginning of time. I’d safely bet that you have already used the bathroom with a transgendered person and didn’t even know it. Nothing happened to you. Everyone did their bid’ness, flushed, (hopefully) washed their hands, maybe put on some lip-gloss, and went about their day.

Do we really need the government to tell us which bathroom to use? These people can’t even balance a fucking budget or show up to work half the time, but we want them to pass laws telling us how to void our bladder and bowels? Think about it. In my book, this has gone way too far. I mean the government has already been way too far up in my uterus; I don’t need them in any other part of my nether regions.

I know what you’re saying now… Oh Helle! I can’t pee next to a rapist or pedophile! This is anarchy! The whole world is going to implode! To which I would respond, chill the fuck out. The transgendered people aren’t trying to molest you or your children. They just gotta pee. And 99.9% of the public bathrooms I’ve been in have stalls for which people can do their business without a stranger staring at you. Moreover, the rapists and pedophiles will find a way to leer at you or molest you regardless of some stupid potty law. It may be shocking news to many of you, but criminals don’t actually obey the law.

At this point in my life, I don’t give a flying crap (pun intended) about who is peeing next to me. You know what I do care about? I care about the state of bathrooms in the US. If we are going to venture into the territory about making laws regarding bathroom usage, I have a few suggestions.

The first law that should be enacted regarding bathroom usage would make it a 1st degree misdemeanor to leave your bodily waste on a toilet seat. I don’t know about you, but this is way more of a concern to me than a transgendered person peeing in the stall next to me. If you leave your piss or shit on a public toilet seat, then you should go to jail. And as a condition of your community control sanctions, you would be forced to clean up all the public restrooms in your city. I bet you’d stop leaving those little “presents” for unsuspecting strangers then.

Furthermore, not flushing would be a minor misdemeanor. You don’t have to go to jail, but you will be fined heftily for causing a public nuisance. I’m not sure why this doesn’t already fall under disorderly conduct, because I am alarmed, annoyed, and inconvenienced every time I walk into a public bathroom and find that some inconsiderate asshole left some unfinished business, but it doesn’t.

And while we are legislating poor bathroom behavior, let’s just go ahead and make not washing your hands a special misdemeanor. An automatic $25 fine, plus court costs of course, for any asshole who doesn’t wash their hands and then touches eleventy other public things which leads other citizens to come into contact with numerous infectious diseases, thus culminating into public safety threats, absences of work, and unnecessary medical bills.

So no, I don’t care that a person who was born male and is transitioning to female is using the bathroom stall next to me, as long as that person is cleaning up their mess, flushing, and washing their hands.

Now can we move onto something more important that will actually enhance our lives as Americans, or are we going to get stuck on this bullshit?


2 Comments leave one →
  1. October 3, 2016 1:53 am

    We need more stories…miss them 🙂

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