Christmas Cards of Yesteryear: Proof Dysfunction Didn’t Start with the Millennials

I’ve been having trouble getting into the holiday spirit this year. Oh hell, I’m lying. I haven’t been happy about the holidays since I was a kid, and even then it’s questionable. I NEVER did get that Easy Bake Oven, and let me tell you, I feel cheated. Let’s face it, for adults (usually women), the holiday season just adds more chores to the to-do list. But for some reason (probably too much egg nog), I decided to search up Christmas cards on The Google, and Sweet Birthday Boy Jesus, some of the cards from yesteryear are simply horrifying. If you ever feel yourself questioning your sanity, just Google some random thing and add the word creepy to your search. You’ll instantly feel better about yourself. Promise. Regardless, let’s look at some creepy Christmas cards and discuss our feelz about them.

Here we have a Christmas greeting with LOVE. Never mind it looks like someone has stuffed a little person into a teapot full of boiling water to make you some holiday tea. I don’t know about you, but I always like my tea with a bit of suffering and ptomaine. Cheers!

Merry Christmas kids! I hope you have an adventurous holiday being kidnapped by a horned Satanistic looking creature with a very long tongue! Don’t worry; he probably has candy (and a machete) somewhere in that car.

Season’s Greetings! I hope your holiday is filled with a very large man-monkey hanging off your back and drawing blood with his huge claws. Looks like a helluva good time.

Stockade, clown, questionable drinks, and subtle threats with knives…proof the obligatory office Christmas party is not a modern day invention. This card shows people have been suffering through this torturous event for hundreds of years. Only thing missing is a disco ball.

Hey there, hot stuff. Merry Christmas. When I think about you, I touch my pussy. Cat.

 ing

Nothing screams Christmas cheer like Santa dragging a drunken hooker through a back alley. Ho Ho Ho. I don’t know about you, but looks like fun.

In the 1800’s these toddlers were having some fun. Today? I see a couple of felonies and several misdemeanors. You’re going to hell, jail, and on the sex offender registry for the next 15 years for what you’re thinking this very instant.  Merry Christmas!

I don’t know about you, but when I really like someone and I want to wish them a joyful Christmas, my first thought is always to send them a photo of a dead bird. Right after I put their pet bunny in a stock pot and boil it. Happy Holidays!

Well, it used to be all about you, Jesus. But things have changed. And I know exactly how you feel. My very own 45th birthday was overshadowed by the whole election from hell. Where were you for that, huh? I mean not only did they ruin my birthday, but they also ruined my life. Oh wait, never mind…

They say there’s nothing better than a home-made card to mark a special occasion. I agree. But I do hope Santa brings you some wax. And maybe some penicillin.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Ramadan, Joyful Festivus (I have a lot of grievances this year). I hope your holidays are joyous and filled with love; and you find a pretty package under your tree (preferably in a little blue box from the iconic Tiffany’s) and goodies in your stocking.

~xoxo Helle