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Ten Simple Steps to Being Less of a D-Bag in 2017

January 3, 2017

With the exception of 2016, I’ve done an annual list of things I’d like to see go away in the upcoming year. I can’t remember what was going on that I neglected it last year. Probably just major slack-assedness. Or more likely, it was Seasonal Affective Disorder (I hate winter). Anyhoo, it’s always fun to bitch and moan about the things that drive you mad. Well, at least it is for me. I always feel better after writing it and I think maybe if I can get just one person to stop being a d-bag, then I’ve accomplished a very important task for the betterment of society. I’m not pointing any fingers, but if you see yourself in any of these, for the love of humankind, just cut it out.

  1. Mansplaining. Contrary to popular belief, the organ responsible for critical thinking is not the penis. I know this comes as a shock to many people, but it’s actually the brain that’s in charge of that arena, and luckily for women we actually have that organ! I hate to break it to you, guys, but you don’t have a monopoly in the intelligence market. I’m sure quite a many of you are smart as hell, but there’s a helluva lot of smart women out there too, and you’d be wise to shut your mouth and use your ears more often.
  1. Boob money. Listen ladies, I get it. I don’t always want to drag a purse around with me either. I happen to have an ample bosom myself, and most days it’s all I can do to make sure the girls stay in there. It’s not a mini clutch to carry your money, credit cards, etc. Even if you aren’t at the club dancing like a stripper working the pole, things get sweaty up in there. Nobody wants to be handling your wet, sweaty Jacksons (I don’t know many people who roll with Benjamins). It’s just fucking gross. With the exception of ER visits and intimate relationships, nobody wants to be touching anything with your bodily fluids on it.
  1. General Bathroom Disgustingness. So have you ever sat down on a toilet seat to do your business, only to feel that your ass is all wet? There’s a myriad of reasons this occurs. At my house, the most likely offenders are my pups. They think the toilet is a wading pool, but they are dogs. Humans, if you are leaving your piss or shit, or any other fluid coming out of your body, on a toilet seat or the floor surrounding the toilet, clean up after yourself, for fucks sake! I shouldn’t even have to tell you this if you are over the age of 5. Matter of fact, I have FOUR children and I’ve NEVER had to tell them this one time. I am not a nurse. I do not want to deal with your sweat, piss, shit, snot, vomit, or blood and I can pretty sure damn well guarantee nobody else does either.
  1. Shaming. Here it is 2017 and us Americans like to pretend in public that we’re still a bunch of Puritans living in the 17th century. We love to shame women people for being too fat, too skinny, too poor, too promiscuous… I bet every social media post blasting someone for one of these mortal sins is being made by a fat slob shoveling Cheetos in his mouth while watching porn from his mom’s basement. My question is why do you care? I think it’s because you see the very things you detest in your own self and you have tiny mouse balls and can’t motivate yourself to make the change you want to see in others. And if that’s the case, then you need to shut the fuck up. Even if you exemplify perfection in the form of a human body and soul, shouldn’t your focus be on helping someone less fortunate than you? Yeah. Success isn’t a limited entity; it’s infinite. There’s enough for everyone. And youngsters listen up. Cute and skinny only lasts until you’re about 30. After that, you better have something else to rely on, because it’s all downhill from there. You’re welcome.
  1. Bad grammar. Even if you didn’t finish high school, certainly you had an English class in elementary school. Ironically, they used to call it grammar school way back in the day. There is no excuse for poor grammar, other than just laziness. I bet there are even YouTube videos on the subject. And for the love of God and all humankind, PLEASE stop sharing memes with incorrect grammar and spelling. Also, quit telling me you knew there was a misspelling and you used it anyway because it still conveyed the spirit of the message. NO IT DOESN’T. IT CONVEYS YOU ARE AN IDIOT. And if you’re too lazy to improve your grammar game (see what I did there?), then print out this handy little chart and put it in your back pocket and refer to it as necessary.

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  1. Car decorations. I’m not talking about bumper stickers here either. Matter of fact, I love bumper stickers; they amuse me. Especially that one time I spotted a car with a Jesus fish and a Pantera bumper sticker. Not that you can’t be a fan of Jesus and Pantera at the same time, but it is a little dichotomous. No, I’m talking about those antlers, wreaths, big red noses, giant fake eyelashes, sport flags… By the way, those flags just let people know you suck as a sports fan AND a driver. Really, I don’t know why I care about this, but it irks me. I only wish people put as much effort into actually driving the car as they do decorating it. You know what would look great on your car? Some fucking turn signals.
  1. Get over it. This is has become a common mantra amongst Trump supporters during the post-election season. You don’t have to search very far to see I am not a Trump fan. At one point during his campaign, I publicly announced my sincere hope that it was a big hoax. Unfortunately for me, and half of the nation, it wasn’t. Regardless, you should never utter these words to another individual. I really shouldn’t even have to tell you this; it should have been covered in grammar school, but it seems that people have forgotten the basics of common courtesy. People are entitled to their own thoughts, opinions, and feelings. Just because you don’t agree with them, doesn’t make them invalid. Especially when you are speaking from a place of privilege. Just remember, just because something doesn’t affect you doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have meaning or value to someone else. You should be careful about dismissing those sorts of arguments. The people who make them are likely the only people who will be worried about your rights when someone is trying to take them away. If you dismiss them straightaway, there may be no one left to speak on your behalf when the time comes. Food for thought…
  1. Skinny Jeans. This only applies to the 20 and above crowd, and males of any age. If you are a 15 year-old female, or an anorexic of any age (you know I don’t want you to be anorexic, so don’t send me hate mail), then by all means, continue rocking your skinny jeans until the cows come home. But dudes, stop it. Women want a man who can kick someone’s ass. We don’t require that you actually kick someone’s ass; we just want to know you can kick some ass should the need arise. And skinny jeans scream you ain’t kicking nobody’s ass. They also kind of scream that you don’t need a lot of room in the crotch area. Which may or may not be an issue, but let’s just say, it’s not starting out on the best foot. First impressions count! You shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but I’ll tell you, I’ve bought many a book based solely on the cover. I may not have read the whole book, but it made its way into my house. Just sayin’.
  1. Unkempt Facial Hair. I’m not talking about neatly trimmed, well-groomed beards, so don’t get your whiskers in a knot. I’m not even talking about goatees (because those are sexy). I’m talking about the ratty, pubic-looking, fecal carrying, bacteria-trap beards. You know what I’m talking about. It’s like porn; some of it is very offensive, but you don’t know it’s offensive until you actually see it. A nice, kempt beard that doesn’t carry an offensive smell and looks nice is fine. Deviate from that one smidgen, and well, shit goes all to hell. And unless you don’t care about never being laid again, please stop doing that rat-tail with multiple ponytail holders on the chin thing. That’s worse than the man-bun. At least the man-bun doesn’t hit you right in the chin when you try to kiss it.
  1. Jury Duty Evasion. One of the greatest things about our justice system is that you have the right to a trial by a jury of your peers. Just because you have been charged with a crime doesn’t necessarily mean that you committed said crime. You are entitled to a trial where the prosecutor will lay out their case to the jury of your peers, and they’ll decide your innocence or guilt. Problem is, we often have a hard time getting anyone to show up for the big day. I know it’s a hassle and it can involve a lot of waiting around. I know they don’t pay you very much and your employer probably doesn’t pay you for it either. But it’s one of the most important jobs we as Americans can do. It’s also very educational and quite oftentimes, entertaining. And don’t think because you didn’t actually make it to the trial portion of the proceedings that your day is wasted. Often people aren’t willing to face the music until they know their peers are waiting to hear the case. Your presence serves a purpose. Just do your civic duty! Think of it as a day of volunteerism where you get a small stipend to cover your lunch and free pass on parking tickets. Now some people may very well have legitimate excuses as to why they can’t be jurors. In that case, get the proper documentation from your medical provider or employer and forward it to the court. Do not tell the person answering the phone all about your chronic diarrhea. Nobody really wants to hear about that and more than likely, that person isn’t even able to excuse you. Oh, and don’t yell at them when they tell you that.

So there it is, the 10 things that would make me as happy as a pig in shit to never encounter again. As always, I invite you to share the things you’d like to see go away in the upcoming year, because I know I can’t be the only one out there who’s tired of some shit. Thanks for sticking with me this year. Hopefully, I won’t break bones and be laid up half a year in 2017.

My 2017 wish for you is that you dance like Elaine while people are watching. The world needs more of that.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. January 3, 2017 11:19 pm

    5. Perfume Commercials: “I’m floating in a sea of gold glitter when a half-whale, half-man-who-needs-to-shave arises and carries me to a flurry of gold curtains where we eat caviar and whisper, ‘Divine, by Jean Pierre.'” Bitch, please. I’m tryna watch House Hunters.
    4. Deodorant Without Antiperspirant.
    3. Car Decor II: People who put “In Memoriams” on their rear window. Oh, you know someone who died? Congrats. So does every other person on the planet. Find a better way to honor a loved one, something more productive than a vinyl sticker on your 1996 Buick Le Sabre.
    2. Cash For Gold Store Sign People: If I’m so broke that I need to sell my Gramma’s wedding ring, I’ll look up the store’s address.
    Not once have I noticed the guy waving a sign on the corner and thought, “Hey, I think I’ll cash in this necklace before I hit the Olive Garden.”
    1. Blatant Political Incorrectness: I hear a lot of people saying, “I’m tired of being politically correct.” By that, if you mean you’re tired of being a person who is respectful of others, then y’all better rethink that “I❤️Jesus” bumper sticker.

    I feel better now, thanks.

    • January 3, 2017 11:23 pm

      I’m over here all like why didn’t I think of those. Bravo! I’m going to be giving you a call I’m 11 months. 😂

  2. January 3, 2017 11:24 pm

    IN 11 months. Fucking autocorrect.

  3. MakeItUltra™ permalink
    January 3, 2017 11:36 pm

    #8 😂😂😂

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