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Alternative Facts are the New Black

January 24, 2017

propaganda-barbie_zpsxplyuawaI’m a strong believer that women need to stick together and support each other. I’m so much a believer in that philosophy that I’ve tried like the dickens to find something in my heart that could support Kellyanne Conway, despite the fact that I loathe her boss. I think we can say she’s the first woman to successfully run a presidential nominee’s campaign and that is quite an accomplishment. I want to be happy for her. I want to be able to commend her on a job well done.

But then she goes and opens her mouth on national television and starts talking about alternative facts. Some people will do anything for a paycheck and/or notoriety. I get that. I personally wouldn’t, but I know there are people who would and I try not to be judgy about it because I don’t walk in their shoes, so I don’t know what leads one to make the decisions they do.

Let’s hand it to Ms. Conway for opening up the conversation that all humans from the beginning of time have wanted to open up, but haven’t due to societal norms. She just got up on national TV and told us that lying is A-OK! Not only is it completely acceptable, it’s the new way of life! Think of the ramifications!

So you just stole some shit from the Wal-marts. Their security camera caught you doing it. I suppose if you had a good attorney, they might be able to conjure up some alternative facts about that video. Maybe the judge could look into your heart and see some mitigating factor about why you did what you did.

That’s not how the world worked pre-Trump. But now his administration just opened the gates. Thanks to Ms. Conway, instead of wrongs, we now have alternative rights. Which if you use your English, is just a double negative, meaning it’s still WRONG, but we now have a pretty new name for it that makes it seem not so bad.

Stealing? That’s alternative giving. Assault? That’s alternative hugs. Trespass? That’s alternative traveling. Hate speech? That’s alternative praise. Lying? That’s alternative truths.

So you can either be alarmed by this new information and be labeled a snowflake or you can grab opportunity by the balls and use this for your own personal benefit. On a semi-related note, I feel the need to extrapolate that while snowflakes may seem cute and delicate on the outside, if you really think about snowflakes, they are quite the little bad asses. Each one is unique, they sparkle like diamonds when the sunlight hits them, and when they decide to pile up in big bunches, they shut shit down. That doesn’t seem delicate to me at all. If I were you, I wouldn’t fuck with the snowflakes.

Winter is here, bitches.

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