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Your Whole Life has been a Lie

March 28, 2017

pooping wrongDid you know there are eleventy hundred things you are doing wrong every day? I didn’t until I started reading all the articles telling me so. I’m 45 years old and I thought I’d been getting along pretty good. But I’m starting to question how I made it this far in life, because every time I turn on the TV or look at the inter-webz, I see another ad or article exclaiming how I’m doing something wrong. If you’ve been living a sheltered life and don’t believe me, then you are obviously doing it wrong. Haha, JK. No really, type it in the Google and see. It’s really a wonder that humans haven’t gone into extinction like the dinosaurs, who were obviously doing it wrong.

Did you know that you are doing one of the most basic human functions wrong? That’s right, kids; you’re pooping wrong. All this time, you thought all you had to do was pull down your pants, maybe grab the latest People or Sports Illustrated, and sit on the commode to drop your deuce? Wrong. Apparently, our anatomy doesn’t fit well with the bum on the seat and floor full of feet method. In order to poop correctly, your feet need to be perched on a little footstool to aid in evacuation. Personally, this hasn’t been an issue for me, because girls don’t poop, but guys, you may want to start grabbing a stool (no pun intended) instead of that Hustler mag.

And ladies, you are not exempt from this conversation. It appears you’ve been washing your lady parts wrong, too. Even though I own one, I don’t even think I’m qualified to give advice on this subject. Why just the other day, I stopped over in a public restroom and wasn’t sure if the smell I was experiencing was me or the results of a sour mop. Luckily, my good friend Lo-Lo, confirmed it was an issue in her stall, which was two doors away, so I’m pretty sure it was the mop and we aren’t in dereliction of duty in our garden tending duties.

You remember when your mom told you to cover your mouth when you’re coughing or sneezing? Well, you’re doing that wrong, too. You thought you were being polite, but you forgot about all the people who have to come into contact with all the shit you’ve touched with your germy ass hands after you’ve coughed all over them. You are supposed to cough and sneeze into your elbow. Because nobody touches your elbow. Unless you’re a woman, and then maybe some old, creepy dude touches your elbow, but damn him and his obvious boundary issues. He deserves to get the flu.

Did you know you weren’t supposed to stick Q-tips in your ear? This is a company that has spent their entire advertising budget for the last 40 years on cleaning the earwax out of your ears. But it seems using these innocuous little cotton tipped sticks to clean out your ears is a huge no-no. Does anyone buy Q-tips for another reason? I will never feel complete after a shower again unless I can stick this little thing in my ear. FAKE NEWS! SAD!

Another thing you’re doing wrong is not using your Mickey D’s lid as a coaster. Who knew? I just can’t even. I’m so clumsy, I need that extra barrier to prevent spills on unsuspecting electrical like equipment. I mean what, in 2017, do you want to protect? Your 1950’s era desk valued at $25.00 or the $2K company Dell? I think people want me to use that scrap paper as a coaster and leave the lid intact. But I can’t even wash my vagina or poop correctly, so what do I know?

And if that weren’t enough to blow your mind, you’re also eating cereal wrong.

The world as I knew it before 6:39 p.m. today has ceased to exist. I’m retreating to my bed with a foil-covered pillow hoping I awake to a world where I can stick a Q-tip in my ear and eat my cereal in a nonjudgmental way.

The rest of you can fuck off.





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