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Breaking Up (With the Make-Up) is Hard to Do

May 16, 2017

makeupThis past weekend I noticed my bedroom was in complete disaster mode and I decided I needed to do something about it. It was starting to look like a Hoarders episode up in here. I decided to clean up all the wayward boxes and shopping bags lying around. I spent hours combing through said boxes and bags. And I was left with one conclusion.  I need an intervention.

It all started harmlessly with a subscription to Birchbox. It was the gateway beauty box, if you will. Every month I’d get this cute little box of samples of beauty products. Then someone introduced me to the hard stuff – Sephora. First, there were all these beauty products that I NEEDED, which I then bought, which were shipped in boxes with more samples. I was hooked on Sephora. So I then joined their monthly beauty box, Sephora Play.  And then there was my Lancôme perfume addiction, which I engaged in every time there was a FREE GIFT with purchase. There came a point when I was on a first name basis with my dealer, Steve, the UPS guy.

Soon after that, an Ulta opened up in my town, and I was confronted with all these fabulous hair and makeup items right at my fingertips.  One December evening, Kayla enticed me with 20% off my entire purchase if I just signed up for the Ulta MasterCard. It sounded like a great idea since I was getting ready to purchase an ungodly amount of hair and beauty products. Now I’m using my Ulta MasterCard to buy stuff at Sephora so I could get points at both places. They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. I have a problem, people.

So here I am now with enough makeup samples, makeup bags, and tote bags to supply a medium-sized country for about 5 years. The other day, a coworker told me she had been using the same eyeliner for 7 (SEVEN!) years. I was so worried about her eye health that I brought her a brand new, never used Lancôme eyeliner, because I had a couple on hand.

I am so disgusted with myself. I used to buy books and when my home became a mecca to wayward books, I banned myself from buying them.  Apparently, I started buying makeup instead. And handbags, but let’s not even talk about that right now.

I am officially at the point where my photo should be posted at the entrance of every Sephora, Ulta, Sally’s, Bath and Body Works, and Macy’s. I should not be allowed entrance into any of these stores. I have enough stock to open Helle’s Beauty Barn and give you a free book with every purchase (literacy is important!).

I have officially put myself on double secret probation from buying beauty products, purses, and books. Which basically means I can’t even go shopping anymore. What else is left in life?! I’m also still trying to lose the broken leg weight, so I can’t even have bread or candy. Fucking calories. I might as well be dead. But if I do die, please let the funeral home people know I have lots of high-end makeup that will make me look spectacular for the afterworld. I just bought some HD foundation and blur powder, which should make me look as good in death as I did in my senior pics, right?

Screw that, close the damn casket. My friends, all 5 of you, should have a party in my makeup room. Grab yourself a makeup bag and fill it with moisturizers, eyeliners, lip glosses, and all the other various samples I own. Have some chocolate martinis and talk about my impeccable taste in makeup and handbags.

And for Pete’s sake, take a book from one of my many bookcases, and read it.

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