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Menage a Trois: More Creepy Valentines

February 10, 2020

So, I’ve been bombarding you with heavy stuff and cussing a lot (LOL JK I’m not going to stop cussing), so I thought I’d get back to my roots and write some funny stuff. Some of my favorite blogs are the Creepy Valentines (click here for Part 1 and Part 2) and since it’s February (although sometimes it still feels like January), I grabbed a cocktail or 5 and hit the google to see what I could find.

I have to say I’m torn between being disturbed and laughing my ass off. As I mentioned before, it seems like vintage Valentine’s cards all have 3 central themes: guns, violence, and phallic symbols, which all seems quite odd for a holiday devoted to love. But then I remembered that St. Valentine got his head chopped off and then it all made perfect sense! So in honor of the decapitated St. Valentine, let’s look at some creepy Valentine’s Day cards of yesteryear.

Hey Twitter followers! I found the perfect card for the object of your affection. I think that’s all I need to say about that.
I think he got too close to her butt and now he has a black eye. Obviously, she’s a Facebook girl.
If your lady isn’t stabbing you, is it even real? The guy who gets this card has 99 problems and the bitch is all the problems. Red is the color of love, after all.
See our obsession with guns isn’t a new thing. For hundreds of years, women have had to worry about deranged men shooting them for unrequited love. The recipient of this card needs a protection order, stun gun, and Rottweiler.
Swipe left.
Swipe right. Because you love a girl who’s a little crazy.
Now here is some kink. We’ve got some bestiality, some sort of simulated oral sex with a banana, possibly some child porn. I don’t know who this is trying to turn on, but as Susan Collins would say, it’s very concerning.
Hey, kids! I think this right here is the birth of shade. I mean sure, there’s still that element of bestiality (never thought I’d type that twice in the same blog), but that burn is deep.
Ladies, if his hose is burning, don’t touch that shit, unless you have an excellent employer sponsored health care program. But even then, do you have sick leave for all the doctor appointments that burning hose is going to inflict? Plus, are you sure those droplets don’t have the Corona Virus?
My sources tell me this is the official White House VD card for this year. Personally, I wouldn’t let that dick get anywhere near my nether regions, because I’m worth more than $130K. Be Best!
Happy VD, Rush.

I hope you have the best February 14th ever & I hope you get some good stuff for VD, and not the VD.

xoxo~Helle

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